1 + 1 = No Sum

I've heard, or read, that we are just the sum of our experiences. If that's the case, then every decision we make and every reaction we have is based on our past. Which isn't always a good thing. Our past might have taught us hurt, rejection, fear, inadequacy, distrust, disgust, hatred, etc. So why, on Earth, would we want our present reactions and decisions to be based on such things?

What if we could look at each moment as an individual entity, because really they are, and react to that moment from the present and not get the past involved at all. It would take some separation of conscious and subconscious thought, but I think it's possible.

What is best for me right this second? If I know nothing of fear, rejection, etc...what will I do right now?

It's all part of being who we want to be. It's part of molding ourselves into our ideals. The past is gone. Really all we have, ever, is RIGHT FREAKING NOW.

Spoiled. Rotting.

Maybe it's because I'm nearing 30; maybe it's just because...but I keep realizing a lot of things about my life. It's like I suddenly see myself under a microscope. And I like it; but I hate it. It's hard to ingest truth when it rears it's undeniable and ugly head.

This is the latest little rearer: I am a spoiled rotten child.

My parents didn't/don't spoil me.

As the adult in charge of myself, I spoil myself. I allow myself to be lazy and stagnant. I allow myself to watch too many hours of TV and eat whatever I want and however much I want of it. I allow myself to party too hard and sleep too late.

I sit back and watch as my life goes no where. And I coddle myself. I say, "oh, that's OK that you did nothing challenging today." I tell myself, "well, you don't have any work to do that you're getting paid for today, so there is no need to use your brain today. Just watch some TV and play on the internet."

And there I sit; and there I rot.

I'm a terrible parent to myself. I hope to God if I have kids I treat them better than I do myself. Because good parents don't allow there children to rot. They challenge them, they make them do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities; they encourage them to try new things. Growth is not just encouraged; it's mandatory.

Do you have any idea how much I could have learned since I moved to CO 14 months ago? SO MUCH. At least one foreign language. I have always had so much free time here since work is sparse. I have wasted literally hundreds of hours, hundreds of days. It's disgusting to think about really. I feel like a more self-motivated person in my situation would have soaked up all those hours in learning and growing.

I am mad at myself. And I decided that I was going to change my ways...stop spoiling myself. Instead, love myself. Because I think good parenting comes from a deep rooted love. And I guess that's missing in me - for me.

It's hard though to change. Laziness and ambivalence have become a habit; a way of life that is hard to break. My brain overloads easily as I'm reading a lot now and trying to learn new skills. But I'm gonna keep pushing. Because I want to shine. I want to live.

I don't want to rot.

Rebellion No More

I'm gonna tell you a truth that I am embarrassed about. I just want to get it out there while I am working to solve it. Here it is:

I am a compulsive and/or over-eater. I hate this about myself and it's been going on since I was about 12. I can trace it back to selling chocolate bars in middle school for a cheerleading fundraiser. For whatever reason, I ate a whole bunch of them one day alone in my room and it felt good. I felt sick, sure, but something about sneaking around eating something I wasn't suppose to gave me a rush. But the end of eight grade, to my surprise, my cheerleading uniform barely fit.

I understand a lot of people are emotional eaters. They eat instead of feel...or as it's been said, they eat their feelings. But my case is slightly different. Through years of discovery, I figured out my eating was some form of self-sabotage and/or rebellion. It seems to get worse the better I look. And most recently, the last 7-8 months, I look the best I ever have (due to kettlebells), and it's continually getting worse and worse. And it makes me feel crazy and hopeless. Like, why can't I let myself just look great? Why am I sabotaging this with calories?

Then I started reading this book, Women Food and God. It's good...like, really good. Close to the end, Geneen Roth (author), says something that hit home for me.

"It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around. When we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels."

Obviously, this is why I rebel. Because, deep down, I don't want to be defined by my body. But I allow that to be so. And since moving to Colorado, I've felt like I don't have a lot of other stuff going for me. I even said to a friend once, "My life is kind of crappy, but at least I look good." No wonder I am rebelling.

So if we stop defining ourselves by a number on the scale or a size on a tag, there is nothing to rebel against. We are all so much more valuable than what our vehicle looks like. I have to get in touch with my self-worth. You should too. We are, after all, unrepeatable beings of light and space and water. Unique.