Becoming Hub

30 at 30

2010-07-31T18:01:00.004-05:00

Follow me this year on a journey at:

www.heather30at30.com

I'd love your comments there!!!

Look, I'm 30:

Fitness, Y'all

2010-07-20T15:20:00.001-05:00

This is everything I did in the name of fitness yesterday:

-30 minute walk
-Kettlebells - 60 shoulder presses w/ 26 lbs. - 60 rows w/ 44 lbs. - 30 push ups - 50 swings - 5 pull ups
(I wasn't really feeling the swings or pull ups so I didn't force myself do a lot)
-7 mile bike ride
-Soccer practice (this involved more standing around, though, than running)
-7 mile bike ride back home

Good times! I'm trying to ride my bike more often to commute places rather than drive. Denver is a good city to do that in. Those 14 miles took approximately 1 and 1/2 hours total. Driving would have been about 25-30 minutes total. So time is a consideration. Also, I'm trying to work out extra to get ready for a soccer tournament I'm playing in this weekend, and to burn my vacation weight off. I just back from Hawaii for my friend Carrie's wedding. It was really beautiful. And I ate a lot. A lot of delicious foods. Plus I'm turning 30 in exactly a week and I want to feel great about myself!!!

And finally, I just really like being active.

Cheers to fitness, y'all!

I Don't Care What You Say Anymore This is MY LIFE

2010-07-12T16:00:00.000-05:00

I recently karaoked Billy Joel's classic song, "My Life." I love this tune. I've long thought it as a theme song. This is my life, and I make the decisions for it. And that knowledge gives me the freedom I've always desired. I am almost 30. I love being an adult. Even though it is hard sometimes, my adulthood is something I claim and own. Just like my mistakes and my victories. It's all part of me. Glorious me.

I feel like my Colorado life is finally working. I have some consistent work with a new client editing on an Avid on a PC making car commercials (flashback to the beginning of my career!). I also have some consistent Kettlebell clients that I'm training. And I'm doing some promo/demo work for some extra cash. Feels good to be making money and not going any further in debt.

In addition, I have great friends here and fun things to do and I'm constantly meeting new people. Life is good. And I have big, exciting plans for 30. Stay tuned for those.

I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow. Ahhhhhhh yeah.

Post Hiatus

2010-06-28T20:13:00.002-05:00

I was doing really good there for a while on deep, meaty posts. Then I stopped. I got busy and lost my free time that I was spending thinking on a deep level. I need to get back there. My scheduled has slowed now so hopefully I'll be digging back into the meaning of life; and/or just trying to figure out how to live best by my standards.

I'll be 30 in less than a month and I have BIG plans for the year. And you'll be included in them for sure. Anyone who wants to be included will be. Weeeee!!!

I can't stop listening to the new The National album called High Violet. GET IT. But warning: it's depressing; but in a good way. Like in a beautiful way. I am sad while I listen, but then immediately happy I listened. If that makes any sense.

Here are two recent pictures that I love:

These are my Dallas friends. We went on a trip to Florida for Bridget's Bday. Aren't we cute?

These are my Denver friends at a music festival. Bridget was in town visiting...so she actually made both pics, but of course she's a Dallas friend. This photo looks like we're the new cast of a modern Friends.

1 + 1 = No Sum

2010-05-20T01:13:00.003-05:00

I've heard, or read, that we are just the sum of our experiences. If that's the case, then every decision we make and every reaction we have is based on our past. Which isn't always a good thing. Our past might have taught us hurt, rejection, fear, inadequacy, distrust, disgust, hatred, etc. So why, on Earth, would we want our present reactions and decisions to be based on such things?

What if we could look at each moment as an individual entity, because really they are, and react to that moment from the present and not get the past involved at all. It would take some separation of conscious and subconscious thought, but I think it's possible.

What is best for me right this second? If I know nothing of fear, rejection, etc...what will I do right now?

It's all part of being who we want to be. It's part of molding ourselves into our ideals. The past is gone. Really all we have, ever, is RIGHT FREAKING NOW.

Spoiled. Rotting.

2010-05-18T23:46:00.003-05:00

Maybe it's because I'm nearing 30; maybe it's just because...but I keep realizing a lot of things about my life. It's like I suddenly see myself under a microscope. And I like it; but I hate it. It's hard to ingest truth when it rears it's undeniable and ugly head.

This is the latest little rearer: I am a spoiled rotten child.

My parents didn't/don't spoil me.

As the adult in charge of myself, I spoil myself. I allow myself to be lazy and stagnant. I allow myself to watch too many hours of TV and eat whatever I want and however much I want of it. I allow myself to party too hard and sleep too late.

I sit back and watch as my life goes no where. And I coddle myself. I say, "oh, that's OK that you did nothing challenging today." I tell myself, "well, you don't have any work to do that you're getting paid for today, so there is no need to use your brain today. Just watch some TV and play on the internet."

And there I sit; and there I rot.

I'm a terrible parent to myself. I hope to God if I have kids I treat them better than I do myself. Because good parents don't allow there children to rot. They challenge them, they make them do their homework and participate in extracurricular activities; they encourage them to try new things. Growth is not just encouraged; it's mandatory.

Do you have any idea how much I could have learned since I moved to CO 14 months ago? SO MUCH. At least one foreign language. I have always had so much free time here since work is sparse. I have wasted literally hundreds of hours, hundreds of days. It's disgusting to think about really. I feel like a more self-motivated person in my situation would have soaked up all those hours in learning and growing.

I am mad at myself. And I decided that I was going to change my ways...stop spoiling myself. Instead, love myself. Because I think good parenting comes from a deep rooted love. And I guess that's missing in me - for me.

It's hard though to change. Laziness and ambivalence have become a habit; a way of life that is hard to break. My brain overloads easily as I'm reading a lot now and trying to learn new skills. But I'm gonna keep pushing. Because I want to shine. I want to live.

I don't want to rot.

Rebellion No More

2010-05-15T11:33:00.003-05:00

I'm gonna tell you a truth that I am embarrassed about. I just want to get it out there while I am working to solve it. Here it is:

I am a compulsive and/or over-eater. I hate this about myself and it's been going on since I was about 12. I can trace it back to selling chocolate bars in middle school for a cheerleading fundraiser. For whatever reason, I ate a whole bunch of them one day alone in my room and it felt good. I felt sick, sure, but something about sneaking around eating something I wasn't suppose to gave me a rush. But the end of eight grade, to my surprise, my cheerleading uniform barely fit.

I understand a lot of people are emotional eaters. They eat instead of feel...or as it's been said, they eat their feelings. But my case is slightly different. Through years of discovery, I figured out my eating was some form of self-sabotage and/or rebellion. It seems to get worse the better I look. And most recently, the last 7-8 months, I look the best I ever have (due to kettlebells), and it's continually getting worse and worse. And it makes me feel crazy and hopeless. Like, why can't I let myself just look great? Why am I sabotaging this with calories?

Then I started reading this book, Women Food and God. It's good...like, really good. Close to the end, Geneen Roth (author), says something that hit home for me.

"It's never been true, not anywhere at any time, that the value of a soul, of a human spirit, is dependent on a number on a scale. We are unrepeatable beings of light and space and water who need these physical vehicles to get around. When we start defining ourselves by that which can be measured or weighed, something deep within us rebels."

Obviously, this is why I rebel. Because, deep down, I don't want to be defined by my body. But I allow that to be so. And since moving to Colorado, I've felt like I don't have a lot of other stuff going for me. I even said to a friend once, "My life is kind of crappy, but at least I look good." No wonder I am rebelling.

So if we stop defining ourselves by a number on the scale or a size on a tag, there is nothing to rebel against. We are all so much more valuable than what our vehicle looks like. I have to get in touch with my self-worth. You should too. We are, after all, unrepeatable beings of light and space and water. Unique.

Thoughts from the Airport

2010-04-27T13:35:00.005-05:00

DIA...gate C39...here I am again. It's the DFW gate. I'm headed to Dallas then Houston for my good friend Liz's wedding. She is the first of 4 good college friends of mine getting married this year. FOUR. That, coupled with the fact that I'm turning 30 this year, makes me feel like an old maid. But mostly, I don't mind much. My life is pretty rockin'. I can't sit around thinking about what I don't have when I'm blessed with so much as it is.

My best Denver friend, Aly, is on her way out to Peru this week. I am sad. Denver is not gonna be the same without her. But I'll make it through. More Avett's: "Things change and get strange with the moving of time, it's happening right now to you." Here is a little video I made for her to highlight the fun times in the Mile High City.

Aly in Denver from Hub Productions on Vimeo.

The wifi at DIA kind of sucks. I'm trying to watch Food Inc. on pbs.com, but it's not buffering very well. The older I get, the more health conscience I become. In my younger years, I was "health conscience" in a "I want to be skinny" kind of way. So I ate a ton of fat free stuff...which I know now is all crap for your health. The word healthy has taken a different shape. I want to eat real, fresh, natural food. Not overly processed poison...even though that shit taste good and is easy to get. But I urge you to eat healthy is a real sense...no pesticides, hormones, preservatives, etc. Eat clean. Be healthy. Your body will thank you by performing and looking great.

Boarding.

Home. Home?

2010-04-22T16:00:00.004-05:00

I just saw The Avett Brothers play 2 nights in a row in Boulder. Which was an absolute pleasure, as always. One thing is for certain: listening to them makes me want to move home. They have a lot of lyrics about family and missing their Carolina home while being on the road.

I've actually been thinking about Dallas a lot lately. I love Denver, but my life doesn't really work that well here. Do I have a ton of fun? Oh yes, indeed. Do I make much money? Oh no, not much at all. Is there any hope of that changing in the near future? I doubt it.

As much as I enjoy my life here, I don't feel secure in my life here. And it's been like this for well over a year. I'm going to Dallas next week and I'm gonna think and feel really hard about where my whereabouts should be.

"Changing the plans I've been setting on, scared by the way that my life is getting gone, [Texas] one day I'll, someday I'll come home. [Texas] one day I'll, someday I'll come home."

"Always remember, there is nothing worth sharing, like the love that let's us share our name."

"One foot in and one foot back, it don't pay to live like that. So I cut the ties and I jumped the tracks, for never to return."

Newness All Around

2010-04-16T17:34:00.006-05:00

Hello faithful few followers! I have some things to tell you.

1- I'm still just completely over men and dating. So that last post wasn't as fleeting as you may have thought it was.

2- I am now HKC Certified! That means I can teach people to use kettlebells! I love this new job pursuit. For now, I am training out of my basement with 5 kettlebells. I have 6 clients and they seem to be loving it. I am too! I was worried I wouldn't like training, even with kettlebells, but that is not the case at all. It's AWESOME. After my first day of training, I couldn't even sleep...I just laid in bed thinking of how I can better explain technique to my clients. It's so satisfying and I am happy to be helping people get stronger, leaner and happier!

3- Next week I am headed to Monroe, Louisiana to be a part of a film crew that is documenting 12 year old Zach Bonner's philanthropic walk across the U.S. to raise money for, and awareness about, homeless youth in America. I will be working with a crew of 3 dudes shooting and editing webisodes and capturing footage to be used later in a documentary. Read more about Zach's 6-month journey at March Across America.

4- One of my best Denver friends is moving to Peru in 2 weeks! I am gonna miss Aly so much but I am so happy for her. I made a cameo in her announcement video. You can see that, and follow her journey, at Aly in Peru.

Sigh No More

2010-03-30T23:04:00.004-05:00

Sighing...I find myself sighing too often when it comes to men, when it comes to dating, when it comes to the condition of my delicate (don't tell anyone I used that word as a descriptor) heart. While dating has basically consumed my life this year, right now it all feels like a huge waste of time.

The thing is, I am nearing 30. And at my core, I crave a rockin' relationship; I crave comfort, amongst other things male companionship brings. I desire having my own family unit and exploring the bounds of unconditional love. I want all that. Badly. But nothing I've had so far has felt quite right. Everything winds up as more of a pain than a joy. And THIS is annoying.

There is a song by one of my new favorite bands, Mumford and Sons, called "Sigh No More". I'm not sure any lyrics have ever so accurately described my deepest desires like this song does...

"Love that will not betray you, dismay or enslave you; it will set you free. Be more like the (wo)man you were made to be....The beauty of love as it was made to be."

Listen to the whole thing here: http://www.lala.com/#album/504684635190117185

I want this...I want love that won't hurt so much. That won't trap me, but rather that I can thrive in. That I can feel free in. That I can be myself in. That I can grow in. I want this.

But it's hard to believe this exist. So I'm done looking for it. Done. Let it find me; if it is a real thing.

March 4, 2010

2010-03-04T10:23:00.004-06:00

Today is kind of huge. Exactly one year ago, I moved to Colorado. It's really hard to grasp that a whole year has passed. It was quite an eventful year. Since I am, at heart, a list-er, here's a list noting important things from the year in Colorado:

1- I moved three times and now live alone in a house that I love; after renting two different basements.

2- I got certified to be a Personal Trainer and worked at 24 Hour Fitness for six months.

3- I was depressed for the first time in my life.

4- I coached soccer for the first time and, all in all, enjoyed it.

5- I have had the chance to go snowboarding 21 days. That's a lot in a year, no?

6- I learned a lot about relationships and how much work they can be.

7- My relationship ended.

8- I took internet dating to a whole new level (or maybe just- I started internet dating).

9- I made some really great friends who enjoy the same things I do.

10- I discovered a new love for Kettlebells.

11- I got really just super fit.

12- I went into pretty severe debt.

13- I had the chance to travel back to Dallas A LOT. One trip was, unfortunately, for my Oma's funeral. But going home to see my family and friends always saved me a little.

14- I took some really beautiful hikes with friends.

15- I learned that life really is what you make of it. Your attitude is the umbrella that covers everything in your life. Happiness can be found really anywhere; but sometimes you have to search for it.

I guess a year ago as I pulled into the city, this isn't how I pictured my life being today. But this is my reality and it's wonderful and surprising and fun. I love living here and I plan to stay for a while. New discovers to be made everyday...and blogged about (well, let's be real; I probably won't blog about everything).

Lessons

2010-03-01T11:29:00.003-06:00

I am learning a lot of lessons this year. Mostly having to do with dating and the ole love life. Allow me to pass on these little gems of wisdom to all you single (shingle) ladies out there...

1- There is no need to move at lightning speed when you meet a guy you like. Really, you have all the time in the world. Rushing into a relationship will only mess that relationship up.

2- If someone isn't sure if they're into you, then assume they are not into you.

3- Don't believe everything guys say...the most charming guys who make you feel the best about yourself are most likely heartless liars trying to get in your pants.

4- It is OK to get excited about a new guy, of course. But don't let that excitement take over your life. Keep living YOUR life regardless of this new person in your life.

5- The presence of a man in your life does not equal self worth or value.

6- At 29, I still have so much to learn. I feel like I should be an expert in love by now; but alas, I am not.

OK? OK. Stay cool, ladies. Stay cool.

Oh Craigslist

2010-02-16T13:48:00.003-06:00

I love craigslist. I am on it everyday looking for clients/jobs. Sometimes a person will post something super ridiculous. This happened today; and I laughed really hard. Here's the ad that was posted in the "creative gigs" section:

title: need to hire date-female (Denver)

This is immature, but I need to hire a pretty girl to make my roommate/want her to be my girlfriend, jealous. You could come over and watch a movie or something while she was here. Maybe hold hands, something alolng those lines. Nothing sexual by any means. I am a nice, decent looking guy. But, she's driving me nuts and I'm desperate. I could pay you $150 for a few hours of your time. Not to be shallow, but please include a picture. Thanks.

and then someone posted a reply post:

title: re-need to hire a date-female (Denver)

Instead of staring things off by playing games, why not just put it out there? Sit down and say, "I really want this to be more than just roommates" and see where it goes.

How ridiculous is that??? And why is someone giving advice via post? Why wouldn't they just reply to the email address to send along advice. Oh people. Thank you for entertaining me.

2010...

2010-01-21T11:01:00.003-06:00

...or as I affectionately coined it...TWO-TEN!

Here are my resolutions:

1- post a picture a day on Facebook

2- pay off A LOT of debt

3- do a Pistol on both legs with a 35 lb. Kettlebell

4- pass the RKC Kettlebell Snatch test - 100 snatches with a 35 lb. Kettlebell in 5 minutes

5- do 5 deadhang pull ups - in all three hold positions

6- take 12 editing tutorials on lynda.com

That's it...obviously a lot of physical goals. I started doing Kettlebells consistently back at the beginning of September 2009. Within 2 months, people were asking me what I was doing because my body was changing. Now 4 months in, I am seriously in the best shape of my life and it shows. My muscles have never been so defined. It's kind of ridiculous...I've been working out for years and years to look like this; and much to my surprise, all I needed to do this whole time was swing a kettlebell. Who knew??? Well, now you do. If you want more info about kettlebells...check out this video promo I made for my instructor, Brian Copeland:

Brian Copeland's Core Fitness from heather hubbard on Vimeo.

Also, if you want to try them out, you can search for a RKC Certified instructor in your area here:
http://www.dragondoor.com/rkc/

I love kettlebells so much, I am considering getting certified to instruct. But I haven't decided for sure...it's an expensive process and just because I like using kettlbells, doesn't mean I'll enjoy teaching them.

A quick update since I don't blog much: I adore Denver...it grows on me more and more, still. March 4th will be my year anniversary of moving! I do plan to stay for a while longer. Right now I am deeply engrossed in snowboarding. I have a season pass that is good at 5 mountains and BOY am I getting my use out of it! What a sport. I love it. Also, I have some great friends now and have become very social.

Life is good. Real good.

All I Expected

2009-12-13T20:56:00.003-06:00

I really need to blog more often.

Winter in Denver is all I expected and more. It's the bomb dot com. I spent the last two days in the mountains with friends. We boarded Vail, Beaver Creek and Breckenridge. The conditions were near perfect for good riding. And the company was fan-freaking-tastic. I have great friends here who like to laugh.

I could hardly ask for anything more.

Winter Wonderland

2009-10-29T21:47:00.003-05:00

I like Denver more and more each day. Yesterday I played in the snow with some friends. We sledded down a hill, made snow angels and ran around in a frolicking fashion. It was so wonderful; I didn't even mind my cold feet.

I look forward to the winter for a lot of reasons. Actually, that's not true. Just two reason: snowboarding and general beauty. I mean, snow is so beautiful when it has freshly fallen on your lawn.

And as always, I am excited that holiday season is upon us. This year, that means lots of trips back to Dallas for family, friends, fun and no snow (most likely).

great things

2009-09-16T14:49:00.004-05:00

An update of sorts for my loyal readers. All 300 of you...

I am coaching a U12 girls competitive soccer team. It's been an interesting experience. It definitely takes more time and energy than I imagined and it really cuts into my ever-expanding social life. But I have made bonds with some of the girls. I am so happy when I see improvement in them. There a few that really test my patience, but I am learning how to deal with that. All in all, I'd say I'm glad I took the role of coach. But for the record, playing is more fun.

Personal training - is also not what I expected it to be. It's a roller coaster ride...sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it. I really like a few of my clients. One in particular, Casey, is awesome. She is 24 years old and heavy enough to be on The Biggest Loser. I know it's hard and embarrassing for her to get in the gym, but she does it anyway. I have trained her for a month now and she's lost 10 pounds and 6.5 inches. She was so excited today when I measured her. It was a priceless moment. It's a good feeling knowing that you're contributing to someone's happiness and health so much. That makes me want to stick to training, regardless of the crap it involves sometimes.

Editing - still working on the Nat. Geo project and it's wonderful. I got to work with the Executive Producer a while back for a few hours. He called me the Harry Potter of editing. Kind of weird...but what he meant was that I move my fingers so fast, to him I might as well be doing wizardry. I think that's what he meant at least. I'm also beginning to do promo videos for a kettlebell gym and I'm so excited about that. Why? Because I'm doing it on trade; which means I'll get to take kettlebell classes consistently. Which is something I've wanted to do for a while.

Boyfriend - let me just post this post secret instead of talk about it. I will say one thing, breaking up is extremely hard.

Love and Death

2009-08-17T23:22:00.002-05:00

My maternal grandmother is literally on her deathbed. She has a rare bone marrow disease that basically sucks all her good blood cells out of her blood. It is to the point where blood transfusions and medicine are of no help. She is just terribly weak all the time and now can't even sit up. So she is going to die. She has decided to die. My Mom said she has let go of the idea of living and fighting to stay alive any longer. She made that decision almost a week ago. Yet, she is still alive. I think it's instinct to live, ya know. She is ready to go, her body is barely functioning, but she's not gone yet. It's a strange thing...waiting to die...can you imagine? Going to sleep and thinking, I really might not wake up this time...

It's not just her waiting, it's all of us. I keep waiting for the phone call from home, waiting to make plans to travel back for a funeral, waiting to start making a memorial video, waiting to grieve.

The family waits. My Mom has stayed there for a whole week straight taking care of my grandma every second of every day. She even sleeps with her so she can monitor her breathing while she slumbers. It's a care that comes from such a deep kind of love that there needs to be a new word for love to describe it. It is the same selfless caring for that I witnessed my Mom give my Uncle when he was dying. It's beautiful. But it's awful. Because she knows her Mom is going to die at any given minute, regardless of the care she's giving. So she waits without rest. Waits to say goodbye, waits to let go, waits to fall apart.

And my grandpa, Opa. Poor, waiting man. No one in a million years thought he would out live her. For so many reasons, Oma dying first makes no sense. He waits to let go of her too; but in the mean time is letting go of his mind. It's too much for him to handle, to deal with. As my Mom said the other day, he doesn't know up from down right now.

It's devastating and it's unfair. But death does brings meaning to life...to her well-lived life and to my life and to your life and to the lives of those before her. Not only does it bring meaning, it brings about that new word for love. That deep, rich, forgiving love that is easiest to give in the hardest of situations.

"Heather, what have you been doing lately?"

2009-06-28T12:04:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm glad you asked.

First things first, I am working on the best video project I have ever had the chance to work on. It is for a show that will air on National Geographic Channel in the Fall...there are 9 episodes scheduled to air. The show is called The Music Nomad and it follows host Jacob, a music producer and expert, around the world to expose the diversity of world music. The first 3 episodes were shot in India, the second 3 will be shot in Jamaica, and the final 3 will take place in the U.S. So far I have worked on one of the India episodes. The show is interesting, funny, shot beautifully and moves well. It is a huge honor to be an editor on it. I feel very fortunate to have met up with the guys who I am working with. Kelly and Rod...you guys rock!

Secondly, I started working as a Personal Trainer at 24 Hour Fitness about a month ago. I was so excited to begin this new line of work. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm has quickly faded. I do really enjoy training people, but the job is about so much more at 24. It's about numbers and selling and clocking in and clocking out and percentages and putting on a "face" and not really being a person but an employee number. It's so corporate. Too corporate. I forgot what it was like to work for "the man". I remember fully now. It knocks the wind out of me. It drains me. I'm not too sure how much longer I want to be there. Ideally, I would love to work in a small studio or do in-home training. I know I need some experience first, which is why (I keep telling myself) I am working at this huge, stupid gym. Some of my co-workers are cool, so at least I'm making new friends.

I moved this last week. Just from a basement in Golden to a basement in Lakewood. I am SO much happier with my current living situation. This new house has a lot of good vibes and energy...and no dogs. Not that I'm a dog-hater, but if I can choose between living with dogs or not, I'm choosing not. I am geographically closer to EVERYTHING I do on a regular basis. I can ride my bike to the gym. Love it. I think the old house had bad vibes to me. As you know from previous blogs, I was pretty homesick and depressed for about 2 months when I moved here. I feel good now; but those old feelings kind of hung out in the old house. It was so refreshing to be away from them. It feels like a new start and I needed that.

Summer is here and it is beautiful in CO. It has rained a lot lately, which makes everything a brilliant green. I fully intend on getting outside as much as possible for the next several months. It isn't humid here, unlike TX. What a wonderful thing!!! Dry heat!

I still have the boyfriend...which is sort of an amazing thing to me. This is by far the longest I've been in a relationship. We met over a year ago! Things are pretty good, not perfect, but I suppose no relationship is. Working on "us" is rewarding and provides quite a lot of life lessons.

So all in all, life is good in Denver. I am happy that I live here and look forward to what the future holds for me in this beautiful place.

An Old Poem with No Title

2009-06-26T18:31:00.003-05:00

I wrote this when I was studying abroad in the Pacific Rim way back in 2001. I actually wrote a lot of poems then and most of them are pretty lame. But I actually like this one a lot.

I wait with yearning,
when will you arrive?
I sit alone
saving a seat by my side.

An hour has passed
and I still wait.
I glance at my watch;
why are you so late?

Now I am pacing,
biting my nails too.
My heart is in turmoil:
as per usual with you.

The night is gone
daylight creeps in.
I wipe away my tears
and I begin to grin.

I realize you were also waiting,
just in another place.
We'll figure it out some time,
but today was not our day.

Coming Soon...

2009-06-24T22:29:00.002-05:00

a new blog...with full updates on all areas of my life...be excited...be VERY excited...

(but not too excited)

Courage Quote

2009-06-07T17:19:00.004-05:00

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the making of action in spite of fear, the moving out against the resistance engendered by fear into the unknown and into the future."

- The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck

This book is amazing and I can't put it down. I urge you, take a risk this week...do something that scares you. Use your courage.

Eggs

2009-04-28T11:32:00.002-05:00

I have a lot of eggs in my basket right now. Most of them are possibilities...but very likely possibilities. I'd like to tell you about these eggs so you have some idea of my life here in Colorado....which I am easing into more and more everyday.

1- Personal Training. I have been studying to get my personal trainer certification through NASM for about 3 weeks now. I am taking the certification exam next Tuesday!!! So this is cram week for me. Once I pass the exam then I'm certified and I will immediately look for jobs at gyms... most likely 24 Hour Fitness. Apparently they are a good gym for newbie trainers. I am so excited about this! I've been progressively getting more and more into fitness since I graduated from college. And I feel like now is perfect time to explore it as a career. So, DROP AND GIVE ME 20 FATTIE!

2- Boot Camp Coach. There is a company here called BCOR Fitness (www.bcor.net) and they host boot camps all over the metroplex. I am going to be a coach. First I have to take 10 classes as a student, then do a day long training, take a test, then shadow a coach, then be an assistant coach, THEN run my own boot camp. It's a bit of process, yes. But I really enjoyed doing boot camp back in Dallas and I think I can definitely be useful as a coach. ANNNNND, it gets me outside more. Outside is beautiful here. I took my first class last night and it kicked my butt. It was wonderful.

3- Timekiller Studios. This is an old co-worker's new company consisting of a few guys in Dallas. They specialize in motion graphics and animation. They are absolutely amazing. I've jumped in as a sales person...I'm trying to get them business...here, there or anywhere. So far I've booked one job here...a motivation speaker needed a video. So I actually went and shot the event and now Timekiller is gonna make it all fancy and nice. I'll post it here when they finish. Anyway, if you or anyone you know need an amazing video made, let me know. Check them out at: www.timekillerstudios.com

4- Sampling. This job is slightly lame. Target now has people who hand out samples on the weekends to shoppers...very much like Sams Club. Well, there is a staffing agency who books all those samplings. I am one of those people handing you samples. It's a part time weekend gig that has helped me get by since moving here. I have sampled all kinds of weird things such as string cheese, flavored water, beef jerky nuggets, activia yogurt, fiber one bars, and more. I generally eat or drink a lot of whatever I'm sampling...so that's a perk. I don't plan on sampling anymore once I get gym work. YAY!

5- AdvoCare. AdvoCare is a company that I made A LOT of videos for in Dec, Jan and Feb. It is a nutritional supplement company. I started using a lot of the supplements and really liked them...so I signed up to be a distributor. I can't say I've done a ton with it, but it's there for me TO DO something with when I want to.

6- Soccer Coach. I interviewed last week to coach soccer for a club here in the Fall. It was the most intense interview EVER. The people of Evergreen, CO take youth soccer very seriously. I have long thought about transitioning my love of playing into coaching. Looking back on my soccer career, I can't remember how many games my teams won or lost, what drills we ran at practice, the faces of all my teammates, what color we were, but I can easily remember every coach I ever had. Easily. And because of that, I want to be a soccer coach...it is a sure way to make a difference in kids lives. Since this soccer club is so serious, I have no idea if they'll offer me a position. But if they do, I am going to take it. I think it'd be a great first coaching experience. ANNNND it'll get me outside more.

7- Heather Hubbard, the Video Editor. I am still pursuing my video career. It is really hard to book jobs here. I am actually flying to Dallas for a week in May to work at Fox Sports. Yes, I have to go to Dallas to get work. Sheesh. There is a job pending here...it would be working on a pilot for the National Geographic channel. I REALLY hope to get that!!! But I won't know for a bit... Check me out at www.heatherhubbard.net

So my basket is pretty full. Once these possibilites become a reality, I will be quite busy. On a side note, I found out yesterday that The Avett Brothers are coming to Colorado for 4 days in a row in August!!! OH THE JOY!

Happies

2009-04-22T20:28:00.003-05:00

There are things that make me happy and always will. Live music is one of those. I found some cool people in Denver who are extremely warm, welcoming, fun and, best of all, have great taste in music...by great I mean, in line with my taste. I've already gone to 3 shows with them...Bishop Allen, Mates of State and Cold War Kids. I feel alive at shows. I always have. And watching people who excel at their passion is inspiring. It makes me want to do things. Any things.

I love this picture of Cold War Kids. It was such a stellar show. Their music rattles me.

Reflection

2009-04-19T01:22:00.002-05:00

I really enjoy going back every now and then to read my old blogs. Sometimes I'll just pick random months and years to click on and read. Sometimes I'll just skim a few...or just check out the pictures. It's a good reminder of how great life is...how blessed I am. One of my favorite things is to read peoples comments. I LOL-ed several times just now. I think people mostly blog for themselves...to have a record of what was happening before. Public-journaling. Totally brill. Somewhat censored, sure, but still brill. Totally.

This weekend and the next are two specific times I wish I was in Dallas. Parties. Friends. Food. Festivities. All that I'll be missing.

I watched part of Sex and The City (The Movie) tonight and I was missing my girls. Justin said the other day, "why do you miss Dallas right now? What would you being doing if you were there?" I said I wasn't sure, but whatever it was, I'd feel like myself doing it. I'd feel at home. I'd probably have just been sitting around with roommates talking and/or watching TV...nothing "special", but it would have been special. I don't really miss the things I had going on in Dallas, I miss the people I had going on in Dallas.

I really need to stop blogging about being homesick. It's just so prevalent in my life currently. But yes, I'll stop.

Shank shoe for reading.

Observations

2009-04-08T09:07:00.002-05:00

I have been living in Golden now for 5 weeks. Exactly. And today, on my 5 week anniversary of residency, I am flying home. Home. Dallas. I can't wait. I miss it so much. It gets unbearable.

I can't say life is ideal at this moment in time. It is really hard to get work right now with this economy and what-not. I spend a lot of time alone. Too much time. It's time to think about what I'm missing out on at home. It's time to beat myself up and lose confidence. It's time to stress out about not working. It's time to eat too much. It's time to sleep too much too.

When you move somewhere to be with someone without anything else there for you, it's hard. It puts a lot of pressure on that person to be everything to you until you get other things going. It puts stress on the relationship.

There ARE things that make me happy: laughing uncontrollably with Justin. Playing a good soccer game. Chatting with Kate (roommate). Playing with Cheddar (the cat). Working out with kettlebells. Perusing craigslist. Taking in the the ever-present beauty of the mountains when I drive. Studying my personal trainer certification materials.

So my life may not be ideal, but it's not bad. It's just a time I have to go through, I suppose.

Dallas to Denver (er...Golden)

2009-03-11T10:06:00.010-05:00

Hello. Hi. Sorry I'm a lazy blogger. My excuse is that it has been a busy month. I was preparing to move out of state. That's a big deal, huh? Good excuse, yes?

Above are some photos of my wonderful going away party that my wonderful roommates threw...themed as a Super-Hero party. It was so fun and special.

After a long drive with my Dad and my over-worked little Element, I've now lived in Golden, CO for 1 week. It is wonderful to live here. It is refreshing. It is good to be close to my man. I can see all these great possibilities for my future in Colorado. But right now, those things are a bit clouded with thoughts of the past. I left a place that I loved. Nothing was wrong with Dallas. Well, there were things wrong with the city itself (weather and traffic), but nothing was wrong with my life there. I had close friends and a wide social circle, I had plenty of work, I had my family nearby, and I felt important there. Leaving all that is just tough.

I am glad that I moved, but I'm going through a bit of mourning period for what I lost. I know I've never truly lost Dallas...my family will always be there, most of my friends will be there for a long time, and there are so many ways to keep in touch...but life goes on there without me in it. I'm no longer a daily part of Dallas. But I was for such a long time. So no matter how excited I am about my new life here, my longing for what I knew and felt comfortable with overshadows that. It just does. There is no way around it.

But it will get better. The mourning will stop. I'll become important in Denver. Sooner than later. But to say everything is great and perfect here would be a lie.

A Powerful Lyric

2009-02-03T13:28:00.002-06:00

There is a Bright Eyes song called 'First Day of my Life'. I fell in love with this tune back in Fall '06 during the big road trip. Martha made Tahj and I some mix CDs for the driving, and this little gem was on one. I listened to it a lot...Tahj can vouch for that.

The song is about falling in love suddenly. I always thought it was cute and sweet. But after that Fall, I kind of forgot about it...you know how songs get lost as your life moves forward.

Well, a couple weeks ago I had my ipod on random in the car. It suddenly started playing the song. I didn't even know I had it on my ipod. So expecting nostalgia, I listened. And then I could hardly breathe. The words meant so much more to me this time. It might as well have been a different song. It was beyond cute and sweet...he was singing my story.

These verses particularly describe me:

I remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange
You said everything changed
You felt as if you just woke up

And you said, "This is the first day of my life.
I'm glad I didn't die before I met you
But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you
And I'd probably be happy

So if you want to be with me
With these things there's no telling
We'll just have to wait and see
But I'd rather be working for a pay check
Than waiting to win the lottery"

If you replace "drove all night" with "flew all night"...then there you have it. It is exactly what happened when I realized I was in love with Justin. It WAS as if I just WOKE UP suddenly. And he DID think I was strange when I told him!

The line that really gets me choked up now is the last one..."I'd rather be working for a pay check than waiting to win the lottery." I didn't understand that line in Fall '06. I thought he just threw it in there for filler. But now, gosh, I GET IT.

My whole life I've had unrealistically high expectations for a mate. I wanted to just KNOW when I met someone; I wanted it to be easy; I wanted someone who had exactly every quality that I deemed perfect. I wanted to hit the jackpot...win the lottery. Fall in love at first sight. But what I didn't realize, and now do, is that a prize is so much more rewarding when earned. Achieving something you've actually worked towards is so satisfying. It's like when your parents started giving you money for doing chores...you valued that money you earned more than the money they use to just give you for no reason.

So with that in mind, I want to work at building my relationship. It's not easy always, but it's a journey and it is rewarding. And I'm moving to Colorado to pursue it further because, "now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you, and I'd probably be happy."

If you take out the word "probably" and replace it with "", then he's truly written me.

NEW POST

2009-01-22T22:43:00.005-06:00

For the sake of more frequent postings, here is a post. I have nothing planned to say, so I'll just list some "happenings" as of late.

My friends Carrie, Liz and Marilee all ran in a marathon last weekend. I went to Houston to cheer them on and see them finish. One of my biggest fears during the hours I waited was that one wouldn't make it...that there would be an injury or loss of will. So when they all, individually became viewable in the last stretch of the grueling 26+ miles, I was beyond relieved and mostly just happy. It was really amazing. Congrats and Kudos to you, my marathoner friends.

The week before that I was in Colorado with Justin. I drove up with him as he moved to Lakewood, a suburb of Denver. I spent several days there and then flew back. It was really fun and entirely too intoxicating and gorgeous. It was hard to leave....to leave my man that I had spent EVERYDAY with for over a month, and to leave the beauty of mountains, snow and a revived feel that a new city gives you.

But I came home. I came home and am living the dream. I work more than 50% of the time from home now with some new clients I got in December and it's GREAT. They give me a lot of creative freedom, pay well, and are just really nice people in general. I no longer do any work for The Miller Agency at all...and that feels SO GOOD! One of my off-the-record new year's resolutions last year was to be able to quit all Miller work by the end of the year...and sure enough, around mid-late December, I told them I was too busy now with other clients to work with them. Ah the joy. No more car commercials!!! Like I said, livin' the dream. MY DREAM.

Speaking of NY Resolutions, I did really good in 2008. I actually stuck to my "no frivolous shopping". The only clothes I bought for myself were with gift cards. I am proud of myself for doing this...for following through, saving money and getting becoming materialistic. But I will say, I was HAPPY when 2009 rolled around. I may have had a few trips to the store that led to new items in my closet. :) Every girl needs to shop a little.

So this year? I've decided my resolutions are to save money by cutting my expenses and bills in anyway I can...Suze Orman style. Also, have no car accidents and get no more tickets. I already got two in January. DAMN. But starting now, NO TICKETS. I can hardly afford my auto insurance as is. But that's it...I'm going easy on the resolutions this year. I think that if you really want something to change, you change it immediately...not wait to set a goal on Dec 31.

Speaking of change, my Aunt's Facebook page has this quote:

"If you don't like something, change it.
If you can't change it,
Change the way you think about it."

Profound. I leave you with that.

2009

2009-01-05T12:49:00.004-06:00

100th Post

2009-01-02T08:34:00.007-06:00

Hey Blog Readers....yes, I am alive and remember how to type. Excuse my long absence...the last few months have been CRA-ZY. Particularly December '08. A month I will surely never forget. I'll give you the short story....otherwise I will have to write a novel.

A little history before we get to December: I had started casually seeing my ex again, Justin, around the first of November. We were having a great time and it was truly casual. He was planning on moving to Denver soon anyway. I was also still talking to Alaska and had planned to visit him at the first of December. So I was juggling two, I guess you could say. Which is something I tell myself I'm good at; but that's a lie.

December rolls around. It's time for me to go to Alaska. I'm slightly freaked out b/c I've realized my feeling for Justin have grown a lot stronger and I suddenly don't view him as someone I'm seeing casually. But I decide, being the good juggler I told myself I was, that I could still go to Alaska and have fun with another guy. I thought I could put my feelings for Justin on hold, and conjure up feelings I had at one point for Alaska. So I flew. And flew and flew. Alaska is freaking far away. As soon as I got there, I felt sick in the deep pit of my stomach. I knew it was a mistake. The lies I had told myself were catching up to me...truth wanted to prevail. I tried to have a good time; I tried to act normal. But he's not stupid. He knew my feelings I changed. There was no use pretending. We mutually decided I should leave earlier than planned. So I was in Alaska for all of 48 hours. It seems so ridiculous now, but I think it was a mistake I had to make. I don't regret going or having known him. I do regret the hurt I caused though.

As soon as I got home I hauled ass to Justin. I walked into the garage where he was and surprised him. Then I told him I was in love with him. Finally. Truth. I was relieved. He didn't jump to say it back though. The thing is, I've hurt him a lot in the past and he didn't exactly trust me at this point. He had strong feelings for me, but needed me to prove what I said. I completely understood. And he was still planning to move to Denver soon....by mid-December. He was just wrapping up a few things in Dallas in the mean time.

Then the horrible day of December 14th came. Justin was working on a motorcycle...he had been for a year and a half. Completely rebuilding this beautiful bike.

Yeah, he's really talented. Well the day came to start it up for the first time. So he did...and it did. Unfortunately, the kill switch didn't work. So he was scrambling around to kill the motor and in the process, spilled gas on this clothes and skin. Then he pulled the wires connecting the motor and a spark flew out and caught him on fire. Luckily, he rips his clothes off quickly and rolls on the ground to get it out. But the damage had been done.

He called me and I picked him up and we sped to the ER. My heart was racing while his pain spiked. The enormous blisters on his skin were growing. Turns out, he got 2nd and 3rd degree burns on 15% of his body. Fortunately, his face was not burned. It was mainly his stomach, left arm and hand, and part of his right hand.

The worst thing about burns is the pain they cause. And the worst thing to me was not being able to do anything about his pain. He was in the hospital for 10 days. He had to get "scrubbed" everyday. He got skin graft surgery. He was on morphine and other pain killers....all the time. He was on a liquid restriction. He had no solid night of sleep. He had to pee in a jar. It was horrible.

While we were waiting in the ER that day it happened, as his pain was growing and he was starting to panic a bit, he pulled me close and told me he loved me, and the cried. I told him I would be there for him no matter what happened. And I was. I practically lived at the hospital. I learned to sleep comfortably on a chair bed. I learned to work while exhausted. I spent one day, the first Tuesday, crying on and off. Then I was OK. He needed me strong. It came naturally. I've watched my Mom take care of sick relatives and always thought, gosh how can she do that? But it's not hard when there is love involved. The hardest parts are when you do have to leave to go work or run errands. I hated not being there.

Before the burn, he once asked, why couldn't you have fallen in love with me earlier, back when I fell in love with you? And I didn't know. I couldn't say why my heart took so long. I could feel his frustration at my feelings. But looking back, the timing was obviously perfect. I fell in love with him so I could take care of him. So I could be there for him during the worst time of his life. So that love would be new and fresh. And now, after going through something like this together, it's just stronger. I wasn't sure I could love someone so much. But I can. And that's no lie.

He's been recovering for the last week at my parent's house. It's been a great environment for relaxing and healing. And he is healing very quickly. The best part is, he'll still be moving to Denver in time to start school at The Art Institute on January 12. A new chapter. An exciting one. A happy ending to a hard story.

I don't know what 2009 holds for me; but I know whatever it is, I want Justin to be a huge part of it.

"A Kiss", from 1994

2008-10-26T20:53:00.003-05:00

This is a little piece I wrote when I was 14. I don't think I had kissed anyone yet...well, after reading it and then remembering the horrible tongue stabbing that was my first kiss, I am certain this was pre-kissed Heather writing. How precious was I with my romantic notions?

A kiss. A kiss. One touch. Such a small word for something so magnificent. It's like fireworks. The sky lights up with a glowing, brilliant red when two people kiss. Kiss. I could say the word all night. It's the sweetest, most tender thing on earth. Yet, while sweet and tender, it can be passionate* and powerful. A kiss. One kiss. It tells you so much about a person. In a kiss you know exactly how they feel about you. A kiss is the best gift you could receive. Everyone, everybody NEEDS a kiss. One magic moment in time when the world stops for you, you alone. Everything pauses, freezes so that you feel the magic and love. You feel as if you're on top of the world, the universe, and the joy it brings will never end, never. Even when the kiss ends, the feelings stay - forever. You'll always remember the glory of that kiss. That one kiss.

*The paper actually says "compassionate"...but I know I meant "passionate"...so 28 year old Heather adjusted 14 year old Heather's mistake.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2008-10-21T18:59:00.002-05:00

Today I had a request from Liz Jordan, of KSBJ fame, saying, "you need to blog missy." And so, assuming I'm the "missy" she was referring to and she didn't accidentally write in the wrong chat box, I need to blog. I know that I've been neglecting my blog as of late. Forgive.

The theme of my life right now is change. Ever since I got back from Alaska it seems everything has just gone all spiny on me. I got a kitty. My pseudo-relationship ended for good. I started building a new relationship with Mr. Alaska. Tahj moved to Austin. It is just Bridget and I at the house. The Miller Agency told me they are letting me out of my contract...this will give me so much more time to pursue other work. A producer at Fox Sports fell in love with my work and wants to use me to edit his pieces all the time now. Cara is moving into the house this weekend...and so there were 3 again.

See? Spiny.

I knew this year was going to be one of change. Tahj, Janae and I willed it over Margaritas way back in January after watching an inspiring travel documentary. It seems to really be hitting now. I think it's exciting and I know there is much more to come. I can feel it in my bones.

Trip to Alaska

2008-10-09T09:38:00.011-05:00

Well it's about time I blogged about the best trip ever. After all, it was the BEST TRIP EVER. Alaska is absolutely unique in it's natural beauty. The thing that surprised me the most was how many different natural beings co-exist. In Juneau, which is a tiny town and an island, you'll see huge, snowy mountain peaks, the ocean, glaciers and ice fields, and a lush rain forest. All this within a few miles. How is that possible? It's amazing. Here are a few of my favorite scenic pictures:

I felt so refreshed being in Alaska. Being around so much natural beauty eased my soul. I live in Dallas, ya know, the "Concrete Jungle". When I was flying back home, I looked out the plane window and thought in disgust, "Oh gosh. I live in the ugliest city ever." Flat, few trees and tons of concrete. Blech. Returning was difficult, to say the least.

Along with all the wonderful nature I saw and experienced, I had so much fun with Angie. We laughed so hard we cried, we drank Alaskan beer, we ate amazing food, went ziplining through the rain forest, and just generally enjoyed each others company. Here are some pics of me and my Riz:

It was one of those magical weeks where I was very outgoing and open; which is my favorite version of me. In turn, I felt like I never met a stranger. I befriended Angie's friends easily, and met several new friends on my own. The people make the trip right? And this trip was no exception. Here are some of my favorite new peeps:

That about wraps up Alaska. Of course there are so many specific details that I could go into about the trip, but this is all I'd like to share. I have no doubt I'll be going back to see and experience more...and sooner than later, for sure.

Lola Juneau

2008-09-30T20:39:00.005-05:00

I got a kitty!!!! She's wonderful. I haven't personally owned a pet since I was 8. And never a cat. It's quite an experience and she fills my heart.

2008-09-26T17:10:00.001-05:00

this is just lovely:

A SHORT LOVE STORY IN STOP MOTION from Carlos Lascano on Vimeo.

ALASKA!

2008-09-16T21:35:00.003-05:00

Here I come! I'm going to rainy Juneau for 8 days to hang with this girl:

YEAH!!! Full report upon return.

Random Thoughts Part Two

2008-09-09T15:13:00.005-05:00

-Most days I wish I lived in Colorado...and lately I've been dreaming of Utah.

-I'm learning to like dogs and cats more...I think because I've dog sat 2 times recently, and Justin has a cat.

-I love Subway, but I swear...every time I go there, I smell like a sandwich for the rest of the day (including right now). I'm not sure it's worth it anymore; unless I'm in a position to shower directly after my visit.

-I just added up my monthly bills and they equal roughly $1,850. I AM ONE PERSON. This seems ridiculously high....especially considering my rent is dirt cheap. I mean, that doesn't even include food. Sheesh.

-My auto insurance was just renewed and my annual premium went up $714 due to my horrid accident in Portland in January '07. Oh the joy...

-All this money talk is making me angry...but it's all OK b/c tonight I get to see THE AVETT BROTHERS live! Very few things in life can come close to making me as happy as this.

-Tahj moves away soon. I'm really sad. But I'm trying to focus on the positive... so I'm excited about moving to a bigger room in the house and having a ceiling fan. Also, I'll make my room an office. Sweet set up.

-I hate watching a good friend hurt so much. I hate not knowing how to make things better for them.

-So all that talk recently about getting into super shape? Not gonna happen..not right now at least. I re-injured the ankle b/c I was pushing myself too hard. So now I'm out of the workout game indefinitely. I got to an orthopedic on Monday to see what the damage is. High five, Heather....high five.

Piece of Cake

2008-08-27T19:54:00.002-05:00

As a video editor, as a freelance video editor, as a freelance video editor living in Dallas, I often have to edit projects that I don't particularly want to edit. Car commercials, corporate videos, VNRs, home movie style stuff...etc. I have to do these projects because I have to get paid. I have to do these projects so I can get better and better at my craft. And I try not to complain because when it comes down to it, I'm doing what I love and on my own time. But when a really good, fun project comes along, I don't take it for granted.

I was fortunate enough to work on a piece of video a few months ago that I loved. It was honestly the best professional experience I've had thus far in my career. The producer I worked with was just magical. I learned so much from her. And the piece turned out really solid I think.

The set up: Cameras follow four very different Texans as they prepare to enter the Texas State Fair Cake Baking Contest. Do they get big money and fame if the win? No. Just a 50 cent ribbon. But they throw themselves in to the fine art of baking anyway; and they all have their reasons. This a sneak peek of what will hopefully become a documentary or short series. The point of the video is to raise interest in the project so the producer can get investors. Enjoy, A Piece of Cake.

Back on the Wagon

2008-08-14T15:58:00.002-05:00

I was really fit earlier this year. I had a trainer, I was eating well, I was playing a lot of soccer...I felt like a million dollar baby. Then I fell off the wagon. Why? Let me list all the reasons I bailed on my fitness routine:

1- I stopped having a trainer.

2- I got a boyfriend. One who didn't necessarily care about health or fitness.

3- I hurt my ankle in a soccer game.

4- I couldn't play soccer for a while due to said injury.

5- I was borderline depressed because I couldn't playing soccer, run or jump.

6- I got bored doing the resistance workout my trainer last showed me.

7- There were A LOT of celebratory events this summer involving food and drinks.

I think that's about it. Excuses, excuses...the point is that I let myself go and it's time to get back on that wagon. I met my trainer today for one of 6 sessions I decided to do with her. I realized JUST how out of shape I am compared to 3 months ago. YIKES! It was a big reality check. I'm gonna take that and do something with it.

This all stems from the Olympics. Watching those athletes in action makes me want to get in great shape.

the end

2008-08-10T09:34:00.002-05:00

In relationships, love, or something like it, isn't always enough. When your incompatibility is staring you in the face suddenly, love won't save your relationship. Ignoring your differences might, but that is a chicken way to deal with yourself.

I was beginning to fall in love, and it was the best time to get out. We were too different, on too many levels. It hurts, but it was wise.

Don't discredit compatibility; it goes along way.

crazy little thing called love

2008-08-06T13:57:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm 28 now. The turning of my new year happened on July 27. It was a great birthday weekend...full of friends, food, family, volleyball, karaoke, cake, beer, gift cards, gifts and kisses. I'd definitely say 28 started out the right way. I'm still a bit sad about not being 27...it was my golden year and now it's over. But it was one of the best years though...full, very full.

Right now I can feel my boyfriend becoming my best friend. I believe it's how relationships should be. You should grow to like and rely on each other more and more. The kind of love that grows seems to better than that instant love feeling that fades easily and quickly.

Is he perfect? No. Do I like everything about him? No. That answer bothered me for a while. But then I thought about it, and chances are I don't like everything about you either, Reader of my blog. There are things that bother me about my friends. They aren't perfect. But I love them anyway. I can't help it, I just do. And at this rate, I will love him soon too...in spite of his imperfections and shortcomings.

Is that settling?

One Little Song

2008-07-24T10:13:00.003-05:00

From The Avett Brothers new album, The Second Gleam, "Souls Like Wheels":

Souls like the wheels
Turning, taking us with wind at our heels
Burning, making us decide on what we’re giving
Change this way of living

One little song
Give me strength to the leave the sad and the wrong
Bury safely in the past where I’ve been living
Alive but unforgiving
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

One little girl
Bring me life from where I thought it was dark
Be the spark that has a chance to light the candle
Love that I can handle
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

Souls like the wings
Spreading out away from bad memories
Make us capable of taking off and landing
Alive with understanding
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go
Let me go, let me go, let me go, let me go

_______________________________________________

This song speaks directly to my constant desire for change. Restlessness seems to be a big theme in my life. Do you ever just feel chained to your life? I feel so stuck sometimes...regardless of how great my life is. Let me go. Let me be completely free. What is complete freedom though? What does that mean? Aren't we always going to be bound to SOMETHING?

No song has been so meaningful to me in a long time. Thank you Avetts. You guys should download the whole album (the song is a bonus track, so you can't get it otherwise), and really listen to it. It's got beauty. Lots.

I only have 3 more days to be a 27 year old. 27 is my favorite. I'm sad that it's ending. I'm sad that everything is changing. I like change, yes, but it's hard sometimes. I want change in MY life, but I want everyone else's life to stay the same FOR ME...so I'll feel comfortable with their consistency. It's selfish. But it's true.

Wandering Thoughts

2008-07-08T19:16:00.002-05:00

Is it true that there are people in your life (past or present) that you'll always have strong romantic feelings for? Or do I just have these feelings because I haven't met "the one", my "soul mate", the one who will wipe my memory of all past loves? Is there such a person?

I'm seriously asking those of you who are in a happy relationship, married or otherwise. What happens when you see an ex? Do you still have feelings for them or do you thank your lucky stars you're not with them? Do you wonder what your life would be like if you were with them now? How do you deal?

I am happy in my current relationship...really happy. I just don't know what to do with these wandering thoughts of mine. Is it always going to be like this? Is it bad that it is like this?

Uncle Dan

2008-06-30T12:33:00.003-05:00

My uncle passed away on May 20. It was sad, but it was time...his time. But it was still hard, even knowing that. My family had the most perfect memorial for him at a lake...his favorite lake in East Texas where he had fished hundreds of times. We had a celebration with food, beer, live music, fishing and love. Tons of people came to remember and celebrate a life well lived. I made a video to show. Everyone who knew Danny loved it...it turned out to be a perfect reflection of his life. It showcased how friends, family, fishing and fun were the 4 things he lived for. He only lived 48 years, but everyday was full for him. He had no regrets. He LIVED...more than most people know how to.

The video in 3 parts: (the second is my favorite, if you're gonna watch one)

Thoughts on Love

2008-06-10T13:27:00.003-05:00

I haven't had many long term relationships. In turn, I haven't had many heart breaks. I'm thankful for this. Granted, my heart has hurt plenty due to unrequited love, missed chances and unmet expectations. But regardless of it all, I am optimistic about love.

Having love: It will be wonderful. It will be easy. It will rock me.

In all my optimism, I am equally realistic about love. Just because I like someone, they won't always like me. They may like me as a friend. They may like my friend instead. Just because someone is perfect on paper, it won't mean I'll click with them. Just because I click with someone right away, it won't mean we're compatible in all areas. And that is all OK. It's all real.

Finding love: It is terrible. It is hard. It rocks me.

Puke Free

2008-06-06T10:01:00.003-05:00

Today is an important day for me. It has been one year since I last puked. I remember it so vividly. Bridget's birthday. I started feeling sick to my stomach during dinner. It got progressively worse as we moved the party to a bar for dancing. Then it got so bad I went home early and crawled into bed, holding my stomach. I fell asleep uncomfortably. Then I woke up an hour or so later and ran to the bathroom and there is all came...the worse case of food poisoning I've ever had. Caused by Sushi. It came out both ends. At the same time. It hurt. It upset me. It disgusted me. I went back to bed and then felt queasy for the next day or two. I didn't really eat for about 4 days. I lost a pants size. I eventually started eating normally again...but in fear of food poisoning. I've pretty much stayed away from sushi since; although I love it. And my pants size went back to normal eventually.

But it's been a year. It went by fast. Bridget celebrates again and we celebrate with her. This June seems so similar to last June already. I've lost a pants size again (but not b/c I didn't eat for 4 days; I've been working out like mad). I met a guy this week and immediately felt at ease with him. Which also happened last June.

Life is good. I'm puke free and that is the way for me.

Hideaway by The Weepies

2008-06-01T10:32:00.005-05:00

Take the sky
For example
A canvas of a billion suns
But our local hero
Shines them out by day
Save for the winking of a Venus or Mars

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

I see the bare moon
Raise it's big bald head
I see my friends play the fool
I'll make my own way
In the wide world
Just know I don't want to wander too far

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

Some call me all kinds of names
Some say I don't the play the right kind of game
I try to be honest
I try to be kind
And honestly leave when I know that it's time

I know that it's time

Hear a phoebe sing his only song
The summer's day is hovering
I’ll write my full heart,
troubles fly like embers
Out the windows of our traveling car

Even the stars
Sometimes fade to gray
Even the stars
Hideaway

P w/o I

2008-05-23T09:55:00.002-05:00

I once read this definition of hell: "proximity without intimacy".

That feels about right currently.

Hard

2008-05-20T13:34:00.005-05:00

Being a parent would be hard.

I remember trying out for the 7th grade cheerleading squad. My sister, a year older than me, tried out for the 8th grade squad. I made it, she did not. I remember seeing my name on the list when it was posted and being excited. I went to find my Mom to tell her. I found her down the hall, hugging my sister, both of them crying. I walked the other way because I didn't know what to do.

Looking back, I realize there was no way my Mom could have shown equal excitement and sadness for me and my sister. So she chose one...the most logical choice of course was to grieve with my sister. And I understood that. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't disappointed at the time. I missed my celebration.

Even the people you're closest to and love the most will still hurt you; they have to...there is no way around it. I know I disappoint my people all the time. And I hate that; just like I know my Mom hated that day.

It's just hard, life; it's just hard.

Random Thoughts

2008-05-14T15:24:00.004-05:00

I have a headache right now. Boooooo. Probably b/c I'm addicted to caffeine. I could use some coffee.

I wish I didn't drink soda, but I do.

Yesterday I worked 13 hours between The Miller Agency and FSN. In between the two places, I drank champagne with my Memaw. I realized this was a bad idea as soon as I got to FSN and had forgotten how to edit. I'm kidding. Well, sort of.

I've decided to start calling popcorn "p-corn".

My Uncle with brain cancer is doing very bad. His end is surely nearing. They aren't going to try anymore chemo. He has already lost so much basic brain function. I feel true grief for maybe the first time in my life. My heart aches when I think about my Mom letting go of her brother, who she's been taking care of so lovingly for the last year plus.

I have a trainer. Did you know that? I feel like the workouts are FINALLY getting really intense. I met with her yesterday, and today my chest and back muscles hurt so much I can barely turn my steering wheel without grimacing. That's the kind of soreness I crave. Thanks Tiffany.

The reason I have a trainer is b/c I am a major impulse buyer.

Watching Oprah is often one of the highlights of my day. I really want to work for Harpo Productions. I realize I have to move to Chicago to do this...I think I am willing.

I use to be very prone to celebrity crushes when I was a kid/teenager. I honestly thought I had a chance with these famous people. Well, I grew out of that thinking, but every now and then, it comes back. I love David Cook. There, I said it. And I don't care who knows. I LOVE YOU DAVID COOK!!!!

Ego

2008-05-03T11:05:00.003-05:00

I've lately been thinking about ego. There are several definitions for the word but the one that strikes closest to home is "self-esteem, self-image, self-importance." This week my ego experienced an equal amount of stroking and pounding. It's funny how that can happen. Maybe the stroking happened to make up for the pounding...or maybe the pounding happened to make up for the stroking. Either way, I think it's probably best to have a balanced self-image. So I'm thankful for both.

May First

2008-05-01T10:36:00.002-05:00

It is May 1st. How the heck did THAT happen??? Last night was a wonderful way to end April...I got to see my FAVORITE band ever ever..The Avett Brothers. They rocked it... as per usual. People...please listen to this amazingly beautiful song about family: (I know the quality is crappy, but it's not recorded yet)

I mean wow...can they write, or can they write? I cried last night at the last line of this song, "always remember, there is nothing worth sharing like a love that lets us share our name." Family has meant so much to me lately...including my friendships that are as close as blood.

______________________________

In other news...I would like to update everyone on my NY Resolutions. It seems about time for a report. If you'll remember, I made two resolutions:

1- Don't buy any clothes or shoes (as to fight against materialism)
2- Get serious about my career (as to not waste away in la-la land)

Number one is going well. I have bought a few things, but they have all been necessities, such as new soccer cleats (because mine were ruined) and new snowboarding boots (because I changed my bindings last year and they didn't work with my old boots). Also, I have decided that if I get gift cards, it is OK to use them to buy things. I feel less materialistic and I have saved money. Score.

My career resolution looks different than I imagined it. I wanted to jump into learning new software so I'd be more versatile as an editor/producer/graphic designer/shooter. I have done that a little. But more importantly, I have learned that honing my skills on the software I already know will aid me more. I have also decided to really stick to editing. I don't need to be a jack of all trades. Editing is my love...why am I trying to add a huge list to "things I do"? So that's what I'm doing...editing...and getting better at it. Also, I've gotten a lot of freelance work the last couple months from some cool companies. It all feels right and good and I'm just saying, keep bringing it.

So May 1, 2008. Wow.

A Testament

2008-04-27T19:46:00.005-05:00

I just got back from my Grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary celebration. I have never witnessed anything as beautiful as my 80-something grandparents renewing their original wedding vows. Never. My Dad acted as the minister and read, from a 60 year old notecard, the vows that my Memaw and Pepaw took in 1948. They repeated after him. When they said, "Until death do us part..." I really almost lost it. Because death is much closer now than it was when they were teenagers in the 1940s. When they said those vows, back then, well, it's obvious now, close to death, that they were very serious about them.

The fact that I cried at this touching moment is fine. Except that I was the designated camera person so I HAD to keep it together. So silently, tears streamed down my cheeks while I swallowed my sobs. It honestly was a very hard thing to do. I think it's why I am crying so much now as I write this. When the "ceremony" was over I went directly to my sister who, as I knew it would be, was balling. She hugged me and said she loved me and we cried together...because we know and appreciate the love Memaw and Pepaw have more than most. We were, together, on many occasions, witnesses of this amazing love. And we were, together, on this very occasion, extremely touched.

I had to pull it together again though to give a toast...which was a task Memaw asked me to do just an hour before. I wolfed down some cake, pounded my wine, wiped my runny mascara, and BAM...I was ready. So I toasted my beautiful grandparents. I am ridiculously good at toasting. I don't know why, I just am. Maybe because I tell a personalized truth about the toastees. But I spoke of the love they radiate to all people they meet. And I said the reason they are able to give such love is because they have experienced such a deep love from one another. And I said that their marriage is a testament to commitment, love and family values.

And then I filmed many other people giving very sincere toasts. My Grandparent's hearts must have been bursting from all the love directed at them.

It was a wonderful occasion. They are wonderful people. And my life is absolutely wonderful because of them.

not mine

2008-04-26T02:16:00.004-05:00

he loves symmetry and i do too. oh i love symmetry. my initials are vertically symmetrical. HMH. fold them. it's beautiful. but regardless, he's not mine. and maybe it's because he loves symmetry too. maybe that's the problem. maybe i need someone who doesn't give a shit about symmetry, but appreciates the fact that i do.

Earth Day Ode

2008-04-22T15:23:00.004-05:00

"The future is not somewhere we are going. It is something we are creating. Every day we do things that make some futures more probable and others less likely."
-Professor Ian Lowe, (2005), A Big Fix: Radical Solutions for Australia's Environmental Crisis

I read this quote in this article about taking action to reduce global warming. It has some really good tips on how to reduce carbon and green house emissions.

"Even if you remain a cynic, however, and believe that the majority of scientists are wrong, you'll benefit from reduced pollution, a more healthful lifestyle and increased savings from enacting these simple activities that will not reduce the quality of your life."

Let's make some changes...do it for the Earth, your kids and grandkids, or just for your present self.

Death

2008-04-17T17:05:00.002-05:00

On Monday night I was laying in bed and my neck started hurting in a weird way. I thought, "that's a strange pain...I wonder if some vein is about to burst and kill me."

Then I thought, "well, if I die in the next couple minutes, at least I'm happy. Yeah, I'm really happy. Tonight was awesome. This wouldn't be a bad time or way to die. In my bed, smiling."

Then another thought struck me. "Do I want to die happily in my bed, or do I want death to come in the midst of pain and struggle while doing something good for someone else?"

And then I felt bad because the answer is happy in my bed. I realized I'm not a very sympathetic or compassionate person. I'm actually pretty selfish. Shouldn't I prefer to die for a greater cause? Like saving orphans or rescuing cats from a burning house?

I Was the Best Me, I Was the Worst Me

2008-04-07T10:54:00.003-05:00

I have so much work to do. I'm back from my ski trip to Breckenridge. I don't want to work...I slept 9 hours last night in my own bed (which felt so good), but I'm still exhausted from the trip. And all I want to do is think about it, remember it, savor it. I don't want to cloud my mind with car advertising. I want to think about snow and carving down the mountain and the new people I met and the laughs I had. So I'm writing this blog instead of working...I just can't jump back into the "real" world yet.

If it's possible to be the best and worst version of yourself simultaneously, I was. I felt so alive: I was totally free, brave, charming, encouraging, affectionate, giving, funny. In turn, I was absolutely reckless, deceitful, crass, tired, drunk and hung over. Regardless, it was one of the best trips I've ever been on. I don't know if I could fully explain why. Partly because I was with my two oldest and best friends, partly because I was a bad ass on the slopes and the snow was perfect for being so, partly because of all the memories, no matter how crazy, that were made.

I won't ever forget this trip. It might have changed me even. It's too early to tell. But now I have to get back to what is, I'm told, "reality".

"Huge Gnarly Octopus"

2008-04-01T15:16:00.004-05:00

My boss said this today in a meeting. I thought it was hilarious.

I'm going to Breckenridge tomorrow for a ski trip!!! Well, I'll be boarding actually...with my new boots! I can't wait. It's been far too long since I've carved down a mountain.

AHHHHHHH powdery, wonderful snow, here I come. I love you. Treat me well.

Oh My Spring.

2008-03-27T21:36:00.004-05:00

No one can deny the wonderfulness that is spring in Texas. I love it. The warm air, the bright sun, the gorgeous late evening sunsets, wearing shorts and sandals. When I walk outside and inhale spring I just have to sigh "AHHHHHH" and smile on the exhale. I must savor it before nasty ole Texas summer rolls on up in here. That guy is a jerk.

But for now, I will love you spring. I will go on evening runs and I will take you in. I will ride my bike to work and enjoy your warmth. I wish you could stay forever.

Wait For Love

2008-03-21T10:19:00.004-05:00

The other day my ipod reminded me, TWICE, to wait for love. Granted, I have two versions of Josh Ritter's "Wait For Love" on my ipod; but still, it chose to shuffle through my 1000-something songs and play both versions almost back to back. And I thought,"really ipod? I'm twenty freakin' seven. You want me to KEEP waiting?" Ah it's frustrating...this "patience" thing...especially when it pertains to this "love" thing.

Sing it Josh:

I got someone on my mind
And she don't make me wait the way you do
But time
Oh she holds me all the time
And she don't make me wait the way you do

Wait for love
Sometimes babe we all have to wait for love

I got someone on my mind
And she holds me pretty much the way you do
But time She holds me all the time
And she don't make me wait the way you do

Wait for love
Sometimes babe we all have to wait for love

Diamonds and Gold

2008-03-18T15:46:00.004-05:00

(It is pouring outside. Days like this make me glad I have renters insurance...just in case our house floods.)

Last night I saw Langhorne Slim play at a little bar in Ft. Worth. It was glorious. I've now seen him maybe 3 or 4 times. His is a show in which I find myself smiling from ear to ear (not in actuality...my mouth is very small) the whole time. He is wild, crazy, eccentric, and incredibly talented.

There is something so special about seeing such a great band at such a small place with such a small amount of people. I'm sure it's discouraging to the band, but to me, it's invigorating. It's like I'm in on this top secret hour of awesomeness with only a few others, even though the awesome I'm witnessing deserves to be known world wide.

Langhorne can write, dude. He can write words that speak directly to my soul. Here's my favorite verse of his new song "Diamonds and Gold":

You can have all the diamonds, you can have all the gold
But someday you're still gonna get old
Ya gotta learn to get happy along the way

Take some chances allow yourself to get lost
You're beautiful baby, You're the boss
Ya gotta learn to get a little happy along the way

Favorites

2008-03-16T20:30:00.002-05:00

These are two of my current favorite youtube videos. I wish I would have thought to do either of these. Bah. Enjoy.

On the Cusp

2008-03-11T14:20:00.002-05:00

Something is about to happen. I have no idea what, how, when or why, but there is something brewing...something big.

Cusp: a point that marks the beginning of a change.

I have hardly slept at all since daylight savings. I'm exhausted. My mind is in overdrive all the time. I'm anxious; I'm excited; I'm impatient; I'm hardly able to contain myself. And all because I have this feeling that change is on the way. For me. Maybe for you too.

Tahj Tagged Me...

2008-03-07T11:53:00.003-06:00

...And I always mind Tahj.

10 years ago:
I was 17. Senior year. I was playing a lot of soccer. Studying a little. My weekends consisted of T.P.-ing boys houses and, because of that, insane car chases. Due to some strong peer pressure, I was eating a lot of Peppridge Farm cookies from my Dad's truck.

Things on my to-do list today:
-Edit at least two commercials.
-Eat an apple.
-Figure out why my trainer is M.I.A.
-Kick ass on the soccer field tonight.
-Call your mom.

What would I do if I suddenly became a billionaire?
Quit working at The Miller Agency immediately. Tell my parents to give my inheritance money to my sister. Go snowboarding tomorrow. Tell my roommates I'll cover rent for the rest of the lease. Donate a lot to Invisible Children, Greenpeace, Gospel for Asia and Tom's Shoes. Find out where The Avett Brothers are playing next week and get there. Travel for at least a straight year. Fund Brett's brilliant documentary. Give Tahj a grant to go live somewhere else and write a book. Etc. Etc. Etc. There'd probably poop in my pants immediately as well.

Three of my bad habits:
1. Wasting time on the internet (as I'm doing right now).
2. Watching too much TV.
3. Drinking too fast.

Five jobs I've had:
1. Video Editor
2. Marketing Manager
3. Sonic Car Hop (one day)
4. Server
5. Jack in the Box drive thru service

Five things many people don't know about me:
1. I can do the worm really well.
2. I get irresistible urges to do handstands pretty often.
3. I hate hate hate hate cherries and root beer.
4. I watch scenes from my ideal imagined life in my head.
5. I can't seem to leave the grocery store without spending at least $50....even if I've just gone to buy milk.

Adver(effing)tising

2008-03-06T14:36:00.005-06:00

I work in advertising, yes. I have for 5-ish years. SHEESH. I'm not sure how that happened. I have come to the realization very recently that I HAVE to get out. I have had this realization twice before and I did get out, both times.

The first time I quit an agency job I intended to move to Japan. Well, I only stayed in Japan for 1 hour. It's a long story that I'd be happy to tell you sometime. I did take some time off of working all together after that. But then I got back into advertising a few months later; actually at the same agency hired me back.

Then 4 months later I got a job at a different agency and stayed there for 15 months. Then the "I have to get out" realization hit again and I quit. That's when I road tripped for 2 months. It was pretty great. But then I got home and went right back into advertising. The agency enticed me with things like "good money" and "part time hours" and all kinds of "praise".

Now I'm on month 16. The whole "work when you want thing" has been awesome. But it is loosing it's appeal. Because although I don't work 40 hours a week, every hour I do work, I am making another bloody car commercial. I just can hardly make myself care anymore.

So I'm having the same realization I've had twice before. But this time I know I need to get out permanently. I don't want a "break", I want a "switch". I want to do something else. I want to create video still, but NOT in this facility. I want to care, dammit.

I have to get out. Help me.

If you have ever been enchanted with the idea of working in advertising, please watch this video. I'm sure not all agencies are like this, but they ones I have been involved with are SO much like this.

Patience...

2008-03-04T23:30:00.002-06:00

...I need some. Someone please give me some. Can I borrow it? I'll give it back. Or you could just let me keep it. That would be nice of you.

Please?

NY, NY

2008-03-03T20:11:00.022-06:00

I spent this last weekend in New York City with my good friends Allison and Jeff Rogers.
They moved to a tiny, but adorable, apartment in Queens (from Dallas) about 6 weeks ago. Quite a move. Allison is a talented actress/singer/dancer and Jeff is an amazing artist/graphic designer/drummer. They moved to NY to pursue their dreams. They are an inspiration to me. Along with all their crazy talent, they are incredibly fun to be with. Here are some things we did.

We saw Mary Poppins and Avenue Q on Broadway. Musicals really are the best of the best on Broadway.
We ate amazing food including brunch everyday. Here, Jeff and I enjoy some coffee.
We waited in some crazy long lines, like, everywhere.
We ate delicious Thai food at "Yum Yum Bangkok".
We took a ferry to Liberty Island.
I found posing inspiration.
Jeff tried to make a new friend.
We took the whole "... the pursuit of happiness" to heart on the subway.

And finally, I saw snow! Not much, but it's the first snow I've seen since last winter.
We did other things in NY too. It was a lovely trip. NYC is a city like no other, truly. I have mad respect for people who actually live there...it is exhausting.

Weird Things About Me

2008-02-26T12:06:00.003-06:00

1 - See previous post about my elbows. I still find this very strange. I sewed my shirts; but they'll probably tear again.

2 - I like way it feels to wash my face with icy cold water. Even if I have the option to wash with warm water, I choose cold. It makes me feel alive.

3 - When playing darts, I really like hitting in a certain order. If I hit a number out of order, I'm actually kind of mad. My order is: 20, 18, 19, 17, 15, 16, Bullseye.

4 - I'm better at soccer now than when I played competitively in college. This could be because:
A: I enjoy it more now.
B: I'm in better shape now.
C: I play with less skilled people now, making me "the good one".
D: all of the above.

5 - I am, as of recently, really optimistic about love. I know I'll wind up with the right guy, and sooner than later even.

6 - I chew on every pen that goes in my hand. It's a terrible habit and I wish I could quit.

Vampire Weekend

2008-02-22T11:52:00.001-06:00

I am in love love love with this band and this video. Enjoy:

I'll Elbow You.

2008-02-20T12:22:00.002-06:00

There is something funky about my elbows. The majority of my fitted long sleeve cotton shirts wind up with holes in the elbows. This is almost always true for at least the left sleeve. Is my left elbow just ridiculously sharp? My elbow skin isn't rough, as you might be thinking. It's not that. This is frustrating. I like these shirts but I look like a bum walking around with my elbows sticking out of holes. Oi. I guess I should start patching them.

The point of this story is that my elbows are pretty powerful. I might start using them in other ways. So be careful not to piss me off.

Will You Marry Me?

2008-02-19T11:15:00.004-06:00

From Wikipedia:

There is a tradition, said to go back to Saint Patrick and Brigid of Kildare in 5th century Ireland, but apparently not attested before the 19th century, whereby women may make marriage proposals only in leap years.

Supposedly (but disputed), in a 1288 law by Queen Margaret of Scotland (then age five and living in Norway), fines were levied if the proposal was refused by the man; compensation ranged from a kiss to £1 to a silk gown, in order to soften the blow. Because men felt that put them at too great a risk, the tradition was in some places tightened to restricting female proposals to the modern leap day, 29 February.

No Pants!

2008-02-11T13:47:00.000-06:00

People who know me very well at all know that I don't particularly like wearing pants. I am usually seen pant-less at home, even around certain company. I just have no inhibition when it comes to legs. Having said that, you can understand why I love this video so much.

Frozen NY

2008-02-09T16:35:00.001-06:00

Dear Cute Swing Dance Guy,

2008-02-07T10:07:00.000-06:00

Hi. It's me, Heather. We danced together a couple times last night at the Swing Dance. We also danced together a few weeks ago, the last time I went. You taught me how to fall into a dip. Dipping is hard, but it was easier with you. I think I know why, Cute Swing Dance Guy. It's because I like you. Do you like me? It kind of seemed like you do. If so, I'd like you to know, it's OK to ask me out. Please do ask me out. Not only will I say yes, I will be rather excited. So you have nothing to lose. Go for it; go for me. Then, Cute Swing Dance Guy, we can spend the whole evening, and maybe the whole rest of forever, dipping away.

Like,
Heather

198_ Song

2008-02-04T20:57:00.001-06:00

While on the subject of family and videos, I found these little gems I'd like to share with you. My sister and I really liked singing when we were kids. We were horrible at it, but of course we didn't know that. My Dad liked to film us. In turn, there are several classic videos of us singing. Please enjoy.

Mi Familia

2008-01-27T15:28:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I was hanging out at my parents and we dove into some videos of our crazy awesome New Year parties we hosted from 1999 - 2001 for our extended family. We would turn our game room into the set of a TV game show...I mean totally transform it. We did "Who Wants to be a Millionaire", "Family Feud", and "Jeopardy". My Dad would build a set from scratch, we'd set up computers and TV screens to show the questions and answers, and we would record sound effects to play. Also, my Dad, who is by no means an actor, would dress and act like the host of these shows. ANNNNND... I'd make commercials to show during the game using old home movies and family footage.

At the time of these parties, it just felt like a ton of work to pull them off. And it was. It wasn't exactly what I wanted to be doing for New Years and Christmas break as a college student. But watching the videos, I miss it. It was incredible. And it really shows how much my Dad values family. Here is a clip of Family Feud: (note: my Dad is bald; that is a wig...he was portraying the creepiest Family Feud host, Richard Dawson)

I know, awesome.

Secondly, my family is still fun and creative. Right now I'm watching a video of my sister's 2 new step kids, Alli and Matt, playing putt putt in my parents house. My Dad set up this whole putt putt course for them to have a fun activity to do when they visit "Gigi and Poppy". He used cups for the holes; he used chairs and toys for obstacles; he printed up score cards; he bought prizes. It really looks so fun I'm kind of jealous that I wasn't there to play. Instead, I'm editing the footage to music for them to watch. My family loves having a video editor in the bunch...they just love it.

I'm really just so blessed. I'm gonna try to start posting more home videos. There are so many hilarious ones.

1 - 100 Drumming

2008-01-25T19:49:00.001-06:00

This is brilliant.

Small Joys

2008-01-25T14:08:00.000-06:00

As you can imagine, being a freelance/contract worker has some major advantages. I get by with working only part time, therefor I have much more free time than the average American. I have no children or husband to take care of either. So my free time is literally MY time. This leads to many fun and random occurrences that I don't believe would happen if I worked full time. Example:

I was hanging out at the house today around noon. I made myself a wrap to eat. Tahj was also home because she works a random schedule. She was watching the extras on the Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory movie. I sat down and watched too. We saw the segment about the amazing set design and special effects. It is truly an amazing movie. Then we saw a button that said, "Activities." We pushed. Suddenly, we were taking a dance lesson from the Oompa Loompa. It was taught to us in 8 counts. There we were in our tiny living room, wiggling and moving to "Augustus Gloop, Augustus Gloop...blah blah blah blah...Ninkam Poop." It was so joyous. Next time you're at our house, ask us to show you the dance we learned. It's pretty amazing.

Sweaters

2008-01-21T21:15:00.000-06:00

There is just something about a guy who can sport a Cosby sweater.

Purpose

2008-01-16T16:25:00.000-06:00

“You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”

Desiderata by Max Ehrmann

A Quote

2008-01-15T16:31:00.000-06:00

"You just can't time genius."

Said by me, today, to my boss.

Irrational Fears

2008-01-09T11:49:00.000-06:00

I'm not much of a worrier by nature. But I have had some irrational fear lately. At least what I think is irrational. You be the judge.

Fear 1- Whoever has my SSN and DL is going to keep using them until they become me and I have no identity anymore. (I was a recent victim of some MAJOR ID Theft and check fraud)

Fear 2- I won't be able to pay off my recently accrued debt in a timely manner.

Fear 3- The Miller Agency is going to ask me to work full time again. Sure, I'd get paid a lot more. But if I go full time, there goes my freedom of time that I've had for 13 months of working contract with them. The thought of being here every day for 8 hours and only having 2 week so of vacation a year hurts my stomach. So if this happens, I have no clue what I'm gonna do.

Fear 4- I'll never coach soccer and really regret that.

Fear 5- I'm gonna fall hopeless, madly, and passionately in love with someone who will not reciprocate my feelings.

Fear 6- And because of 5, I will settle for someone who I don't feel as strongly about.
_____________________________________________________

I like what Martha quoted in a recent post: "Worry is like a rocking chair--it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere." ~Dorothy Galyean

So I'm not gonna worry about these things...I'm just gonna live my life in an optimistic way. I just wanted to get these fears out in the open.

Vodka, Anyone?

2008-01-08T14:23:00.000-06:00

I kind of hate what I wrote yesterday...it didn't come out how I thought it in my head. I might have been drinking while writing, I might not have been; but that'd be a good excuse. Regardless, I'm gonna leave it up. Maybe it will spark some thought in readers.

That's all I had to say.

"Best Practice."

2008-01-07T21:21:00.000-06:00

There is this term I recently noticed being used a lot at the office: best practice. A graphic designer kept saying it in reference to how buttons on a website should be placed. I decided to research the phrase a little. Here is a definition of it from Wikipedia:

Best practices can also be defined as the most efficient (least amount of effort) and effective (best results) way of accomplishing a task, based on repeatable procedures that have proven themselves over time for large numbers of people.

I can see how it would make sense to go with the "best practice" on things like an accounting method or button position on websites. It's the way most proven to get results. Sure, use it! Then I thought about life. A lot, A LOT, of people follow "best practice" as a way to live. As an American adult, it seems "best practice" is to go to college, graduate, get a job working 50 weeks a year (whether you like it or not), enjoy your weekends and 2 weeks of vacation, start a 401K, get married, buy a house in the suburbs, vote, have kids, raise them in a church (regardless of whether or not you even believe in what the church says), send them to college and watch them follow in your footsteps and live the exact same way you did because, well hey, it's obviously the "best practice" of life.

(Deep breathe)

I personally don't think "best practice" is the same thing as "most fulfilling". Not that someone who lives that way can't be fulfilled...they could absolutely love their lives. And I hope they do. But I think everyone's life practice can be different; and should be different. People need to figure out how to live in a way that fulfills them and LIVE IT....block the noise coming from the "best practice" society.

I feel odd. I feel restless. I feel a bit like I did before taking off in Fall of '06. It's not that I'm unhappy. I'm actually very happy. I just don't feel fulfilled. I think I need change... maybe I'm living too "best practice"-y. I need to feel ALIVE...all the time; every day.

Resolutions and Theme

2008-01-03T14:46:00.000-06:00

I have two resolutions that I am very serious about for 2008.

1- I won't buy any clothes/shoes for myself all year.

This sounds impossible, yes I know, but I really want to achieve this. I feel like I've become so materialistic lately. This isn't even about saving money, although that will be nice, it's more about changing my mindset. I need to realize that I can get by with what I have. And I need to find other hobbies/types of therapy that don't involve shopping. There is a Brett Dennen song, "There So Much More", that really spoke to me on this subject:

"I don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit
I can't get used to my body's limits
I got some fancy shoes to try and giggle away these blues
They cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing
I wanna free my feet from the broken glass and concrete
I need to get out of this city
Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky
Wondering where I go when I die.

I wonder how so many can be in so much pain,
While others don't seem to feel a thing
Then I curse my whiteness,
And I get so damn depressed,
In a world with suffering,
Why should I be so blessed?"

2- Get seriously good at what I do - editing/video production.

This doesn't mean get more gigs and do more work. This means improve my skill, learn new programs, finesse my style. How will I do this? Tutorials, practice, applying myself at home, focusing for more than 5 minutes at a time...things like that. It might mean missing out on some fun times. I need to go through a self-schooling of sorts. My goal is to be practically lethal on all the best programs and be able to edit anything I'm given to the best of my, or anyone else's, ability. In short, I'm gonna ROCK. Watch out production world.
_________________________________________________________________

So there you have my 2008 resolutions. I will need help. Please keep me accountable. Ask me about my shopping, ask me about my learning. Otherwise, I won't make it through the year like I want to.

I have a theme for the year. It's "self-improvement rather than self-discovery." The last couple years have been about discovery. I know who I am now. I would like to improve upon that this year.

Women = Ferrets

2007-12-28T16:12:00.001-06:00

I just read this statement on a friend's blog:

A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.

Dang. This must be why I feel like I'm dying so often.

12 Days of Christmas, Office Style

2007-12-13T13:45:00.000-06:00

This is where I work (most of time): The Miller Agency. I made this video Christmas Card to send to clients. My blood, sweat and tears went into making this silliness. Enjoy.

Things I Like About Christmas Time

2007-12-05T16:26:00.000-06:00

1- Listening to Sufjan Steven's "Songs for Christmas"

2- SHOPPING, I can't get enough this year

3- Holiday Cheer (aka...Janae's homemade Limoncino liquor)

4- Spending the night at my parent's house on Christmas Eve

5- Telling young kids that Santa doesn't exist

6- Drinking wine with Memaw and Pepaw

7- Watching my niece open her Santa gifts

8- Less Traffic

9- This year, our house decor that Tahj put up

10- Working out extra to combat holiday pounds

I was joking on number 5. What things do you like about Christmas time?

Other Observations about Hands

2007-11-19T23:18:00.000-06:00

In dating, and/or relationships, feelings are often uneven. One person is more interested in the other than the other is interested in them. I recently found that you can tell who is who by the way a couple hold hands. Usually, one person holds on tight. The other person lets their hand go loose in the hold.

I don't know if this is true for all people; I suppose some people might have other reasons for holding hands tightly or loosely. But I do know that I've been both people - the one holding on tight, too tight at times, and the one with the limp, ever so limp hand. And looking back on those intertwined times, this theory of mine makes perfect sense.

Spam

2007-11-13T10:39:00.000-06:00

The title of an email I received:

"E-Harmony can find other Asian singles like you!"

Now, how does E-Harmony know I'm single and why do they think I'm Asian?

Hands

2007-11-12T12:12:00.000-06:00

Everyone in my family says I have my Memaw's hands: long fingers with SUPER long nail beds. Well my mom just sent me these pictures from my sisters wedding....apparently Memaw and I use our hands in the same way too.

A Toast

2007-11-07T13:40:00.000-06:00

My sister's wedding is in two days. It's gonna be small...about 20 people...at my parents house. It'll be short and sweet. Today my sister asked me to give a toast. I said "yes"...I mean, I didn't think "no" was an option. I usually like public speaking and am pretty good at it. But I'm not looking forward to this particular speech. I'm afraid I'm gonna sound fake; I'm afraid I'm gonna cry; I'm afraid I'm gonna freeze. As happy as I am for her, I am equally sad for me. And that makes this hard.

Celebrity Look-a-Like and Also...

2007-11-05T18:29:00.000-06:00

So I did the celebrity look-a-like thing that is so popular right now. I am having trouble posting it though for some reason. But every time I've done one of these, it says I look most like Molly Ringwald. WHAT? I don't see it. I was really excited though that an Olsen twin was one of my look-a-likes. They are so cool and cute...I wear their brand of lip gloss.

ALSO...to add to the post below...I saw Ryan Adams a couple weeks back. How could I have forgotten that? He was a total badass. What an amazing musician. He's also a total weirdo. You would have assumed he was high or drunk or tripping on something by the way he was acting, but apparently he has sobered up. He's hilarious though. At one point, he stopped during a song and said, "lets do an encore." And left the stage for a good 10 minutes. Another time he decided to change clothes and was gone for a while. He left his band up there awkwardly trying to entertain the crowd. That dude has his own prerogative...and it entertained me thoroughly.

Roll n' Rock

2007-10-30T09:10:00.000-05:00

Friends, family, it is a good time to live in Texas. The weather is perfect, the holidays are near, and good LORD, there is some awesome music coming through. This is the best time to be a Texan who is also a lover of great live music.

The music season started off in mid-September with my trip to ACL with my buddy Cara. I saw like, I don't know, 25 bands??? Something outrageous like that in a mere 3 days. There was SO MUCH good music. Only a couple times did I leave a show early to go see another. The highlight bands for me were: The Decemberists, Amos Lee, Arcade Fire, Andrew Bird, Bjork, Damien Rice and Ben Kweller, and Spoon. And then on our long drive home from Austin on Sunday night, Cara introduced me to Okkervil River's album, Black Sheep Boy. It was like being given a precious secret gem...thanks Cara!

Janae and I saw Brandi Carlile at HOB a few weeks later. She is really very talented. And tiny. She's teeny tiny holding her big guitar. I enjoyed her band too...it is comprised of guitar playing twins and a drummer. She ended the encore with an acoustic performance of Hallelujah. It was beautiful, except for the girl behind me singing along to every note. Speaking of, the audience was also interesting. From stage, you could easily assume you were at an Indigo Girls concert. I guess Brandi has a large lesbian following. Including Janae and I.

Kidding.

Next was Bishop Allen at the Granada. WOWSIES. I love this band. I knew that already, but my love grew 10 times (or whatever) like the Grinch's heart. They play a lot of songs with a lead yukelalie (sp?). It sounds so cool. And it's so adorable to see a tall dude up there with a tiny baby guitar. Ahhhhhh. Bishop Allen has a really cool sound and smart lyrics. It is comprised of Harvard boys, after all.

That brings me to upcoming shows. This weekend my boys, The Avett Brothers, are in Texas!!! Tahj and I have flown across the country twice this year to see these guys play. And they are finally on our home turf! They play at the Granada on Friday, in Houston on Saturday and in Austin on Sunday. And yes, friends, we are road tripping around Texas to catch every show. Like the true fans we are. I CANNOT WAIT. Watching the brothers play feels like home to me.

Other shows I'm seeing this year:
Architecture in Helsinki (at Hailey's in Denton)
Iron and Wine (at the Palladium in Dallas)
Regina Spektor (HOB; don't have a ticket yet, she maybe sold out, but I want to go)

Like I said, it is a good time to be in Texas. Lets the good times roll, and rock.

I WANNNNED DAT!

2007-10-08T12:07:00.000-05:00

September 1983:
I was in a bad mood the day my sister had her 5th birthay party. I was a 3 year old who had not taken a nap. The whole extended family came over to celebrate Holly's big day. I was sitting next to her on the ugly brown couch while she opened her gifts. Every time she opened a one, I would point at it, start frowning, then say, "I WANNNNED DAT!" Then the tears would flow. I'd hide my face in the couch and bawl. I was so jealous of her presents. Which, of course, made her more excited about them. This event is on video (my Dad taped EVERYTHING) and it is so adorable. You can hear all the adults in the background laughing at me and mocking me. They'd say, "Oh, Heather wanted that one too! Hahahahah." Priceless.

September 2007:
My sister turned 29 a few weeks ago. The whole extended family came over to celebrate her big day. After she opened her gifts, mostly just cards with money now a days, her boyfriend got down on his knee and asked her to be his wife. It was amazing and beautiful. It's not often you see a proposal. I was sitting next to her on the couch. I was initially so happy for her. But then the crabby 3 year old in me welled up and I wanted to burst into tears and scream, "I WANNNNED DAT!" But I didn't. After all, I had my nap that day. Oh, and I'm 27 now. It would have been very awkward. Although, I'm sure all the adults in the background would have been sympathetic to my jealousy this time instead of laughing at me. After all, like i said, I'm 27. And I'm single. And my sister has already been married once. Understandable jealousy?

The thing is, I'm not jealous that she's getting married. I guess it's more the fact that she's in love. And the fact that my parents are proud of her and happy for her. I crave that deep, lasting love she has found and I crave acceptance and approval from my parents. I feel like I have neither right now. And I just want to hide my face in the old, ugly brown couch from the 80s and bawl until this feeling goes away. But that couch is long gone.

Moments

2007-09-09T11:18:00.000-05:00

I cried recently. I don't do that much. I was laying in bed during a stressful week and I couldn't sleep (not an uncommon problem for me). My mind was racing with random thoughts that had no business being in my head at that time of night. All the sudden I thought of a moment I had with the last guy I dated. It was a sweet moment, one you would love to freeze and stay in forever. And so I cried, not because I missed him, NOT because I missed the limbo dance that was "us", but I cried for that moment. I cried because I missed it and I appreciated having experienced it.

"And I love this moment we're in, though we may never see this moment again..."
-The Avett Brothers

I Got Tagged...So, here's stuff about me.

2007-08-13T14:35:00.000-05:00

1. I can't bend the top knuckle of my left index finger. This is a recent development and I'm going to the orthopedic soon. It's annoying. I hope they fix it.

2. My Mom knows German fluently, but didn't speak it to me as a child. I am angry about this. I could have been bilingual without even trying.

3. I like myself so much more when I feel confident.

4. When I think about how many awesome friends I have, really think about it, my heart almost bursts with appreciation.

5. I am ready to be with "him". Where is "he"?

6. Pregnancy freaks me out...there's a person in your belly....how is that not totally freaky?

7. I absolutely love looking at calendars. I use to make calendars in my school notebooks when I got bored in class. I suppose that makes me a calendar-doodler.

8. I've been listening to a lot of Jewel lately. I've been angry with men lately. I think these two things might relate to one another.

Sole Documentary

2007-07-18T16:58:00.000-05:00

Dudes, the day has come. I am FINALLY getting paid for having good feet.

I have known for a long time that I have nice feet...My toes are all proportional, my arches are high, my toenails are a good length. I'm not bragging, I'm just stating the truth. My parents genes combined well, giving me these gems.

A video is about to be made. It is a "Sole Documentary"...documenting the dirt accumulation on feet while walking barefoot on a variety of surfaces. There was an ad on craigslist for the position of "barefoot walker." I answered the call. Today I had my test run. A man with a camera followed me around while I walked barefoot on a tennis court, a baseball field, a parking lot and a sidewalk. Did I feel dirty doing this? Sure. Did I care after I got paid? No. It was the easiest money I ever made.

This blog is a bit premature. He is doing a test run with 3 people. So he might not chose me for part. I think there is a good chance; he heavily complimented my feet and the way the dirt showed up on them. But even if I don't get the part, I maybe the editor for the documentary. Yeah, I networked. I was proud of myself.

What if I was the star AND the editor??? Dang...that would embody so many of my hopes and dreams. My feet would see fame, I would be a documentary editor, and I'd get paid.

WOW.