P w/o I

I once read this definition of hell: "proximity without intimacy".

That feels about right currently.

Hard

Being a parent would be hard.

I remember trying out for the 7th grade cheerleading squad. My sister, a year older than me, tried out for the 8th grade squad. I made it, she did not. I remember seeing my name on the list when it was posted and being excited. I went to find my Mom to tell her. I found her down the hall, hugging my sister, both of them crying. I walked the other way because I didn't know what to do.

Looking back, I realize there was no way my Mom could have shown equal excitement and sadness for me and my sister. So she chose one...the most logical choice of course was to grieve with my sister. And I understood that. But that doesn't mean that I wasn't disappointed at the time. I missed my celebration.

Even the people you're closest to and love the most will still hurt you; they have to...there is no way around it. I know I disappoint my people all the time. And I hate that; just like I know my Mom hated that day.

It's just hard, life; it's just hard.

Random Thoughts

I have a headache right now. Boooooo. Probably b/c I'm addicted to caffeine. I could use some coffee.

I wish I didn't drink soda, but I do.

Yesterday I worked 13 hours between The Miller Agency and FSN. In between the two places, I drank champagne with my Memaw. I realized this was a bad idea as soon as I got to FSN and had forgotten how to edit. I'm kidding. Well, sort of.

I've decided to start calling popcorn "p-corn".

My Uncle with brain cancer is doing very bad. His end is surely nearing. They aren't going to try anymore chemo. He has already lost so much basic brain function. I feel true grief for maybe the first time in my life. My heart aches when I think about my Mom letting go of her brother, who she's been taking care of so lovingly for the last year plus.

I have a trainer. Did you know that? I feel like the workouts are FINALLY getting really intense. I met with her yesterday, and today my chest and back muscles hurt so much I can barely turn my steering wheel without grimacing. That's the kind of soreness I crave. Thanks Tiffany.

The reason I have a trainer is b/c I am a major impulse buyer.

Watching Oprah is often one of the highlights of my day. I really want to work for Harpo Productions. I realize I have to move to Chicago to do this...I think I am willing.

I use to be very prone to celebrity crushes when I was a kid/teenager. I honestly thought I had a chance with these famous people. Well, I grew out of that thinking, but every now and then, it comes back. I love David Cook. There, I said it. And I don't care who knows. I LOVE YOU DAVID COOK!!!!

Ego

I've lately been thinking about ego. There are several definitions for the word but the one that strikes closest to home is "self-esteem, self-image, self-importance." This week my ego experienced an equal amount of stroking and pounding. It's funny how that can happen. Maybe the stroking happened to make up for the pounding...or maybe the pounding happened to make up for the stroking. Either way, I think it's probably best to have a balanced self-image. So I'm thankful for both.

May First

It is May 1st. How the heck did THAT happen??? Last night was a wonderful way to end April...I got to see my FAVORITE band ever ever..The Avett Brothers. They rocked it... as per usual. People...please listen to this amazingly beautiful song about family: (I know the quality is crappy, but it's not recorded yet)



I mean wow...can they write, or can they write? I cried last night at the last line of this song, "always remember, there is nothing worth sharing like a love that lets us share our name." Family has meant so much to me lately...including my friendships that are as close as blood.

______________________________

In other news...I would like to update everyone on my NY Resolutions. It seems about time for a report. If you'll remember, I made two resolutions:

1- Don't buy any clothes or shoes (as to fight against materialism)
2- Get serious about my career (as to not waste away in la-la land)

Number one is going well. I have bought a few things, but they have all been necessities, such as new soccer cleats (because mine were ruined) and new snowboarding boots (because I changed my bindings last year and they didn't work with my old boots). Also, I have decided that if I get gift cards, it is OK to use them to buy things. I feel less materialistic and I have saved money. Score.

My career resolution looks different than I imagined it. I wanted to jump into learning new software so I'd be more versatile as an editor/producer/graphic designer/shooter. I have done that a little. But more importantly, I have learned that honing my skills on the software I already know will aid me more. I have also decided to really stick to editing. I don't need to be a jack of all trades. Editing is my love...why am I trying to add a huge list to "things I do"? So that's what I'm doing...editing...and getting better at it. Also, I've gotten a lot of freelance work the last couple months from some cool companies. It all feels right and good and I'm just saying, keep bringing it.

So May 1, 2008. Wow.