100th Post

Hey Blog Readers....yes, I am alive and remember how to type.  Excuse my long absence...the last few months have been CRA-ZY.  Particularly December '08.  A month I will surely never forget.  I'll give you the short story....otherwise I will have to write a novel.  

A little history before we get to December: I had started casually seeing my ex again, Justin, around the first of November.  We were having a great time and it was truly casual. He was planning on moving to Denver soon anyway. I was also still talking to Alaska and had planned to visit him at the first of December.  So I was juggling two, I guess you could say.  Which is something I tell myself I'm good at; but that's a lie.  

December rolls around.  It's time for me to go to Alaska.  I'm slightly freaked out b/c I've realized my feeling for Justin have grown a lot stronger and I suddenly don't view him as someone I'm seeing casually.  But I decide, being the good juggler I told myself I was, that I could still go to Alaska and have fun with another guy.  I thought I could put my feelings for Justin on hold, and conjure up feelings I had at one point for Alaska.  So I flew.  And flew and flew.  Alaska is freaking far away.  As soon as I got there, I felt sick in the deep pit of my stomach.  I knew it was a mistake.  The lies I had told myself were catching up to me...truth wanted to prevail.  I tried to have a good time; I tried to act normal.  But he's not stupid.  He knew my feelings I changed.  There was no use pretending.  We mutually decided I should leave earlier than planned.  So I was in Alaska for all of 48 hours.  It seems so ridiculous now, but I think it was a mistake I had to make.  I don't regret going or having known him.  I do regret the hurt I caused though.  

As soon as I got home I hauled ass to Justin.  I walked into the garage where he was and surprised him.  Then I told him I was in love with him.  Finally.  Truth.  I was relieved.  He didn't jump to say it back though.  The thing is, I've hurt him a lot in the past and he didn't exactly trust me at this point.  He had strong feelings for me, but needed me to prove what I said.  I completely understood.  And he was still planning to move to Denver soon....by mid-December.  He was just wrapping up a few things in Dallas in the mean time.  

Then the horrible day of December 14th came.  Justin was working on a motorcycle...he had been for a year and a half.  Completely rebuilding this beautiful bike.

Yeah, he's really talented.  Well the day came to start it up for the first time.  So he did...and it did.  Unfortunately, the kill switch didn't work.  So he was scrambling around to kill the motor and in the process, spilled gas on this clothes and skin.  Then he pulled the wires connecting the motor and a spark flew out and caught him on fire.  Luckily, he rips his clothes off quickly and rolls on the ground to get it out.  But the damage had been done.  

He called me and I picked him up and we sped to the ER.  My heart was racing while his pain spiked.  The enormous blisters on his skin were growing.  Turns out, he got 2nd and 3rd degree burns on 15% of his body.  Fortunately, his face was not burned.  It was mainly his stomach, left arm and hand, and part of his right hand.  

The worst thing about burns is the pain they cause.  And the worst thing to me was not being able to do anything about his pain.  He was in the hospital for 10 days.  He had to get "scrubbed" everyday. He got skin graft surgery.  He was on morphine and other pain killers....all the time. He was on a liquid restriction.  He had no solid night of sleep.  He had to pee in a jar.  It was horrible.  

While we were waiting in the ER that day it happened, as his pain was growing and he was starting to panic a bit, he pulled me close and told me he loved me, and the cried.  I told him I would be there for him no matter what happened.  And I was.  I practically lived at the hospital.  I learned to sleep comfortably on a chair bed.  I learned to work while exhausted.  I spent one day, the first Tuesday, crying on and off.  Then I was OK.  He needed me strong.  It came naturally.  I've watched my Mom take care of sick relatives and always thought,  gosh how can she do that?  But it's not hard when there is love involved.  The hardest parts are when you do have to leave to go work or run errands.  I hated not being there.  

Before the burn, he once asked, why couldn't you have fallen in love with me earlier, back when I fell in love with you?  And I didn't know.  I couldn't say why my heart took so long.  I could feel his frustration at my feelings.  But looking back, the timing was obviously perfect.  I fell in love with him so I could take care of him.  So I could be there for him during the worst time of his life.  So that love would be new and fresh.  And now, after going through something like this together, it's just stronger.  I wasn't sure I could love someone so much.  But I can.  And that's no lie.  

He's been recovering for the last week at my parent's house.  It's been a great environment for relaxing and healing.  And he is healing very quickly.  The best part is, he'll still be moving to Denver in time to start school at The Art Institute on January 12.  A new chapter.  An exciting one.  A happy ending to a hard story.  

I don't know what 2009 holds for me; but I know whatever it is, I want Justin to be a huge part of it.